so... this happened

i recently found out that i once again am an employed part of society. while i am still celebrating this more than welcomed change in my life, part of me feels sad to lose jobless maggie. she washed and reused ziploc bags, something she's always mocked in others. she rationed out her toothpaste and shampoo. she forced herself to drink half cans of diet coke she found sitting around her apartment. she went to the bathroom in public more than usual, so as to use someone else's toilet paper instead of her own. she ate no fresh fruits or vegetables. she stopped driving long distances to visit friends. she sat and watched television, because it's included in her rent. she decorated with things she found around her apartment. she cried. a lot.

although some aspects of jobless maggie will carry over into this new phase of my life, i am more than glad to bid her goodbye.

makes me happier than most things right now

kelly clarkson

whenever i'm around people and they talk about attractive celebrities, people with "hot bodies," etc. ... well, i always think of kelly clarkson. when i think about goal weight/ideal body type, i again think of her. and there's good reason - the woman's hot!

bridget jones day 2

• cigarettes = 1
• exercise = 3 mile walk, and 5ish mile bike ride

the thing i was most proud of today was that i went out on the walk all alone. we'll see how long it lasts, but if it doesn't rain tomorrow, i'm doing it again.

walking playlist

my new favorite thing about walking:

• adam lambert - strut
• kelly clarkson - since u been gone
• black eyed peas - shut up
• amanda overmyer - i hate myself for loving you
• tom petty - american girl
• adele - right as rain
• brandi carlile - closer to you
• alexi murdoch - all my days
• paula abdul - promise of a new day
• the murmurs - underdog
• ace young - father figure
• the beatles - why don't we do it in the road?
• nsync - bye bye bye
• allison iraheta - friday i'll be over u
• mindy kaling - bananas
• ani difranco - gravel
• adam lambert - play that funky music
• justin timberlake - sexyback
• james - laid
• crystal bowersox - saved
• lily allen - fag hag
• lily allen - the fear
• crystal bowersox - you can't always get what you want

bridget jones

today:

• exercise = 40 minute walk.
• cigarettes = 0.
• food = subway, pringles, swiss cake rolls, coffee, hot chocolate, diet coke, water.

not everything can change at once...

realizations

i have been realizing more and more recently about the not so crazy idea of weight loss. there are so many things that completely freak me out about losing weight... and i know it's normal to have fears and worries. i've just never been completely honest with myself about my own fears before.

maybe six months ago, i started working out with a personal trainer. i had finally reached the point of wanting to try to do something to change my body. to lessen the space i take up in the world. we met twice a week, and worked on a variety of things including weight lifting, cardio, kickboxing, ab work, etc. i allowed myself to burst out crying as i kicked and punched as hard as i could. it was beginning to heal me in ways i never knew possible.

right when i started to actually enjoy working out, i got honest with my trainer (and by then, my friend) about how much my knees were really hurting me. i had to start wearing a brace on my right knee, and a wrap-type-thing on my left knee. i also started working out more... sometimes three times a week, other times skipping an entire week at a time due to scheduling issues/laziness. once i got into the studio each session, however, i enjoyed it. i often had to force myself to show up, but i knew the importance. even if i lost track of the importance on my emotional well-being, i could always feel the importance on my physical health. my body was so pleased with me!

i became unemployed, by choice, a month and a half ago. not going to get into that now. but, i could no longer afford to work out with my trainer. it was such a difficult realization, however, because my trainer was my friend. it was difficult to make that boundary, and still spend time with a friend... whenever i couldn't pay her to train me. i made it work, though, and have gone on the occasional bike ride/walk with her. but... never alone. i still have not been able to get to the point of forcing myself to work out on my own. i was spoiled with the start of my weight loss process including a studio and a trainer - when that ended (or was postponed), i faded fast. being unemployed, i spend far too much time sitting. i embroider, because it pleases my emotional/mental side. i get up to go to the bathroom or make a meal, and realize my right knee hurts. i did ask my doctor about it a couple months ago, and she told me that i need to walk differently. haven't figured out how to do that yet.

i know that i need to change. i've seen the impact that working out can have on my emotional and mental well-being. i've seen and felt what it's like to lose some weight. i am really very good at counting calories, balancing my food intake, and finding healthy options. right now, however, i can't afford the foods i know are good for me. surely there are cheap/healthy options out there somewhere...

my fears come into play with the knowledge that change needs to happen. i know exactly what i'm doing wrong. i'm eating foods that quickly make me feel happy. i'm smoking. i'm not sleeping decent hours. i'm not spending time to prepare meals, and snacking all day instead. i'm not exercising. i make excuses for each of these things to be acceptable. i realize that depression and anxiety are major factors for me, but shouldn't be excuses... just bridges i need to cross. i keep saying that once i get a job, everything will become easier. i doubt my willingness to change will pop up out of nowhere, however. comfort over change. it wins every time for me.

a main fear for me isn't failure, but success. the thought of losing the weight i want to lose, feeling better, and being a different person terrifies me. the idea that people all of a sudden seem to have this green light to compliment your appearance, and tell you how bad you looked before... well it disgusts me. i don't know what i'd do if i succeeded... but i do have goals, both short term and long term.

my hope is that if i hold myself accountable for bad decisions and choices that could seemingly easily be changed, that i will at least start to get back on track. it's possible the steps are going to be damn small, but they'll be there.

update on jamie's bag... again

it's not the best picture, because in real life the lines are straight and not warped. also, there are greys/light browns/white/black in real life.

update on jamie's bag

Just a quick update on some of the bag.

the forgotten (and most attractive) idols

Something was lacking from my previous idol-filled post: Crystal. I hadn't yet had the time to figure out final thoughts on this season... and now that I actually have the time, I don't see much of a point. Yes, I watched and was a loyal Crystal fan from the moment I first saw/heard her. She is fucking gorgeous, with the best voice idol has ever seen. So... when said person doesn't win, I just feel a little less like writing about the season. Although, I will say this: Casey sure was purdy... sometimes I picture what Casey/Crystal babies would look like. I mean come on... you tell me how gorgeous it would be:

Favorite performances from the season: All of the last performance show of Crystal. And, of course, Jealous Guy.

And for more Crystal goodness (and great commentary on the whole season)..... idolatry.