as good for you as deep-fried bacon

addictions

2011-02-03T20:24:00.000-05:00

throughout my life, i have moved from one addiction to another. i am an intelligent enough person to know that not all addictions are bad. i am also intelligent enough to notice, however, that although not all addictions are bad, they are all harmful. even the seemingly smallest of things to which i find myself addicted are at times utterly destructive.

i have never been a person who simply "likes" something. i'm all in or all out. go big or go home. do it, and do it right. one of my favorite lines from the show will and grace comes from karen walker. with a look of confusion on her face, she stated, "...which is odd, because i don't have an addictive personality." the humor comes when one knows karen's character on the show, who is addicted to any and everything. she brings "party mix" to a party, which we later find out is "uppers, downers, and candy corns." my addictions are not that... severe. i don't even like candy corn.

i spend a lot of time fighting against my addictions. the word itself has far too negative a connotation. i'm not addicted to anything illegal, as far as i know... but that doesn't make all my addictions safe. as i write this, i am in the process of cutting one of my addictions out of my life. and i realize that by doing this, it will only make me rely more upon the rest of them. i sure hope the others are strong enough to give me the extra support i'm going to need.

new beginnings or something

2010-12-29T21:31:00.000-05:00

well, as this is day two of my weight watchers adventure into self ~~hatred~~ discovery and health, i wanted to try to keep myself accountable by updating the good old bacon-inspired blog. so here it is: two days. 21 points over budget. good goddamnit. and i didn't even write everything down.

i guess i'll just keep with it - keep reminding myself of what i eat so i can one day do something about it. for now, i'm going to try to be happy with the idea of change, without yet changing. gah.

alive

2010-10-11T20:08:00.000-04:00

a few months ago, i got the first disc of the series "Six Feet Under" from netflix. the disc only had 3 episodes on it. after watching 20 minutes of the very first episode, i ordered the entire series (5 seasons) on amazon. as soon as it arrived a week later, i watched all 5 seasons within a month. i did not, however, watch the final episode. i wasn't ready for it to end. i knew once i watched that episode, it was over... and it had so quickly become such an intense part of my life when i really needed it, that i needed it to keep living.

today at work i realized that i needed to just watch it. i needed to watch the finale and just deal with however it made me feel. just now, as soon as the final credits rolled, i sent jamie a message letting her know that i had finally watched it. when she asked if it crushed my soul, i answered; "yes. it also made me want to live. like it made me feel like i'm not really living."

so i ask of you, few and far between blog readers, for advice on how to feel like i'm really living.

---------------

also, jamie, i really hope you find your remote.

19

2010-08-23T19:53:00.000-04:00

when i was 19, i got my first tattoo. i'm 26, almost 27 now, and i just got my 19th tattoo. it feels special, somehow.

six feet under

2010-08-20T18:58:00.001-04:00

i think i've been watching too much Six Feet Under. i know i have. but i have reasons...

edit this, mothafucka

2010-08-05T22:55:00.000-04:00

well... i spent far too long tonight trying to figure out how to get the title of my blog to shift over to the righthand side of the page. it's driving me truly insane, as i feel i have tried every method i have found online. so i'm going to bed, giving up, and will be driven nuts about it every damn time i look at this blog.

what a joy.

see? it's easy to do in a blog post entry.

reality television

2010-08-02T21:25:00.001-04:00

jamie recently asked me to rank the reality shows i watch in order of how gay they are. here's what i came up with:

10. Next Food Network Star
9. Losing It with Jillian Michaels
8. The Biggest Loser
7. Hell’s Kitchen
6. The Amazing Race
5. American Idol
4. So You Think You Can Dance
3. HGTV Design Star
2. Project Runway

... and the gayest of them all:
1. America’s Next Top Model

julie and julia

2010-07-31T19:54:00.003-04:00

just watched "julie and julia" with my friend missy. with about 4 minutes left in the movie, we both voiced the thought we had probably kept in for the entire movie - this just makes us feel like we've done just about nothing with the past year of our lives. where julie began and finished an intense, life-changing project, i quit my job - only to start back again two months later for the same organization. missy manages a bookstore with her husband, where in the past year, she has gone through many forced wage and hour changes.

maybe, in this upcoming year, i'll keep my job. maybe missy won't move twice. maybe we'll actually get around to watching "v for vendetta" together. maybe her voice will stop squeaking, similarly to meryl streep's portrayal of julia child. but hopefully, a year from now, missy will still laugh whenever she thinks of her favorite scene (where she claims meryl sounded like a turkey) from the movie.

home

2010-07-12T18:18:00.002-04:00

i've been realizing more and more lately that i've been attempting to surround myself with things that remind me of places or times in my life where things felt... for lack of a better word... good. so far, the best, warmest feelings come from watching the movie "away we go." when i first saw it, i didn't know yet that i hated my job. i wasn't very happy where i was living. but something about that movie pushed through all that shit, and it hit me hard.

another round comes with the movie "rent." first saw it in seattle with my uncles, after having heard from friends in college that i must see it. had an amazing night with my best friend that we will remember forever when we tried to see it again. for a person who has usually admitted to hating musicals, this one hit home, and it hit hard. i'm watching it as i type this, and each and every time collins and angel sing together, run down the street, embrace, kiss, smile at or because of each other... well, i realize what i want out of life.

another thing that brings on these feelings is burning my vanilla cupcake candle every day, from the time i get home from work to the time i go to bed. i don't know why it works, but i'm just glad that it does. lastly, that first sip of coffee each morning... well, it always does the trick.

so... this happened

2010-06-25T10:51:00.002-04:00

i recently found out that i once again am an employed part of society. while i am still celebrating this more than welcomed change in my life, part of me feels sad to lose jobless maggie. she washed and reused ziploc bags, something she's always mocked in others. she rationed out her toothpaste and shampoo. she forced herself to drink half cans of diet coke she found sitting around her apartment. she went to the bathroom in public more than usual, so as to use someone else's toilet paper instead of her own. she ate no fresh fruits or vegetables. she stopped driving long distances to visit friends. she sat and watched television, because it's included in her rent. she decorated with things she found around her apartment. she cried. a lot.

although some aspects of jobless maggie will carry over into this new phase of my life, i am more than glad to bid her goodbye.

makes me happier than most things right now

2010-06-23T10:13:00.002-04:00

kelly clarkson

2010-06-17T08:56:00.002-04:00

whenever i'm around people and they talk about attractive celebrities, people with "hot bodies," etc. ... well, i always think of kelly clarkson. when i think about goal weight/ideal body type, i again think of her. and there's good reason - the woman's hot!

bridget jones day 2

2010-06-17T00:37:00.001-04:00

cigarettes = 1
exercise = 3 mile walk, and 5ish mile bike ride

the thing i was most proud of today was that i went out on the walk all alone. we'll see how long it lasts, but if it doesn't rain tomorrow, i'm doing it again.

walking playlist

2010-06-16T16:20:00.002-04:00

my new favorite thing about walking:

adam lambert - strut
kelly clarkson - since u been gone
black eyed peas - shut up
amanda overmyer - i hate myself for loving you
tom petty - american girl
adele - right as rain
brandi carlile - closer to you
alexi murdoch - all my days
paula abdul - promise of a new day
the murmurs - underdog
ace young - father figure
the beatles - why don't we do it in the road?
nsync - bye bye bye
allison iraheta - friday i'll be over u
mindy kaling - bananas
ani difranco - gravel
adam lambert - play that funky music
justin timberlake - sexyback
james - laid
crystal bowersox - saved
lily allen - fag hag
lily allen - the fear
crystal bowersox - you can't always get what you want

bridget jones

2010-06-15T20:04:00.002-04:00

today:

exercise = 40 minute walk.
cigarettes = 0.
food = subway, pringles, swiss cake rolls, coffee, hot chocolate, diet coke, water.

not everything can change at once...

realizations

2010-06-13T23:43:00.003-04:00

i have been realizing more and more recently about the not so crazy idea of weight loss. there are so many things that completely freak me out about losing weight... and i know it's normal to have fears and worries. i've just never been completely honest with myself about my own fears before.

maybe six months ago, i started working out with a personal trainer. i had finally reached the point of wanting to try to do something to change my body. to lessen the space i take up in the world. we met twice a week, and worked on a variety of things including weight lifting, cardio, kickboxing, ab work, etc. i allowed myself to burst out crying as i kicked and punched as hard as i could. it was beginning to heal me in ways i never knew possible.

right when i started to actually enjoy working out, i got honest with my trainer (and by then, my friend) about how much my knees were really hurting me. i had to start wearing a brace on my right knee, and a wrap-type-thing on my left knee. i also started working out more... sometimes three times a week, other times skipping an entire week at a time due to scheduling issues/laziness. once i got into the studio each session, however, i enjoyed it. i often had to force myself to show up, but i knew the importance. even if i lost track of the importance on my emotional well-being, i could always feel the importance on my physical health. my body was so pleased with me!

i became unemployed, by choice, a month and a half ago. not going to get into that now. but, i could no longer afford to work out with my trainer. it was such a difficult realization, however, because my trainer was my friend. it was difficult to make that boundary, and still spend time with a friend... whenever i couldn't pay her to train me. i made it work, though, and have gone on the occasional bike ride/walk with her. but... never alone. i still have not been able to get to the point of forcing myself to work out on my own. i was spoiled with the start of my weight loss process including a studio and a trainer - when that ended (or was postponed), i faded fast. being unemployed, i spend far too much time sitting. i embroider, because it pleases my emotional/mental side. i get up to go to the bathroom or make a meal, and realize my right knee hurts. i did ask my doctor about it a couple months ago, and she told me that i need to walk differently. haven't figured out how to do that yet.

i know that i need to change. i've seen the impact that working out can have on my emotional and mental well-being. i've seen and felt what it's like to lose some weight. i am really very good at counting calories, balancing my food intake, and finding healthy options. right now, however, i can't afford the foods i know are good for me. surely there are cheap/healthy options out there somewhere...

my fears come into play with the knowledge that change needs to happen. i know exactly what i'm doing wrong. i'm eating foods that quickly make me feel happy. i'm smoking. i'm not sleeping decent hours. i'm not spending time to prepare meals, and snacking all day instead. i'm not exercising. i make excuses for each of these things to be acceptable. i realize that depression and anxiety are major factors for me, but shouldn't be excuses... just bridges i need to cross. i keep saying that once i get a job, everything will become easier. i doubt my willingness to change will pop up out of nowhere, however. comfort over change. it wins every time for me.

a main fear for me isn't failure, but success. the thought of losing the weight i want to lose, feeling better, and being a different person terrifies me. the idea that people all of a sudden seem to have this green light to compliment your appearance, and tell you how bad you looked before... well it disgusts me. i don't know what i'd do if i succeeded... but i do have goals, both short term and long term.

my hope is that if i hold myself accountable for bad decisions and choices that could seemingly easily be changed, that i will at least start to get back on track. it's possible the steps are going to be damn small, but they'll be there.

update on jamie's bag... again

2010-06-13T22:40:00.001-04:00

it's not the best picture, because in real life the lines are straight and not warped. also, there are greys/light browns/white/black in real life.

update on jamie's bag

2010-06-10T18:44:00.002-04:00

Just a quick update on some of the bag.

the forgotten (and most attractive) idols

2010-06-10T11:58:00.005-04:00

Something was lacking from my previous idol-filled post: Crystal. I hadn't yet had the time to figure out final thoughts on this season... and now that I actually have the time, I don't see much of a point. Yes, I watched and was a loyal Crystal fan from the moment I first saw/heard her. She is fucking gorgeous, with the best voice idol has ever seen. So... when said person doesn't win, I just feel a little less like writing about the season. Although, I will say this: Casey sure was purdy... sometimes I picture what Casey/Crystal babies would look like. I mean come on... you tell me how gorgeous it would be:

Favorite performances from the season: All of the last performance show of Crystal. And, of course, Jealous Guy.

And for more Crystal goodness (and great commentary on the whole season)..... idolatry.

Nothing Matters Anymore: Otherwise Known as American Idol

2010-05-26T14:04:00.005-04:00

[The following heart-wrenching and not at all sad or inappropriate piece was written over a year ago. I did no editing for current feelings, including those on Crystal Bowersox and Casey James. Too many gorgeous pictures and tearful performances for me to sort through at the moment. This is for you, Jamie... for dealing with... well, a perfectly healthy obsession.]

---------------------------------------------------------

R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And with that, I was hooked. Kelly Clarkson is where it all began for me, and that day in the summer before college began, I fell in love. With a tv show. I fell in love with a t.v. show. And aside from my relationship with my bfff (best fucking friend forever) Jamie, my relationship with American Idol has been the constant I’ve ever so craved for the past eight years.

Over the past eight years, I started and finished four years of college. I had my first kiss, and my first experience with sex – come to think of it, everything that has really happened to me in life has been in the past eight years. I’ve grown up. And, Idol was there for the ride.

Year one: I remember the summer before college, watching Kelly Clarkson perform week after week as I packed up my life and tried to tell myself I was ready for college. I remember visiting a friend at her college before I ever started at mine, and peeking into the lobby window of her dorm to catch a glimpse of that night’s episode I was missing. One of the very first nights in my dorm room, I remember frantically trying to tape the finale as I had to attend get-to-know-you mixers as a freshman class. And of course, I remember Clarkson’s performance of Respect. I was blown away.

Year two: I remember going downstairs in my dorm with my friend Carrie, to another friend’s room to watch the show weekly. We cheered on Jennifer Hudson, and cared so little about Aiken and Studdard.

Year three: I watched with my roommate, and we obsessed about how happy George Huff made us. The rest of the season felt fairly insignificant with what was going on in my life at the time – but damn that George Huff made me smile…

Year four: Looking back on this season, I find it difficult to think of any stand out performances. However, season four marked the start of a miracle in my life: I met Jamie, and she watched with me in my dorm room every single week. I have a feeling she will deny this, but I even remember her cheering on some of the contestants. After the final performance show of the season, I remember watching at my mom’s house. We each voted for Bo as much as we could, and I left half-way through the voting to run to the grocery store for ice cream. I remember us keeping track of our votes on a piece of paper – tally marks against Underwood country.

Year five: Year five marked the start of my obsession. Year five marked the true, and possibly frightening, loss of emotional control on my part. And as soon as it started, there was no stopping it. This obsession started with “Father Figure,” an Ace Young performance that changed me forever. I really wasn’t expecting to fall in love with this guy - but I guess stranger things have happened. I began creating the story in my head - that the beautiful and tender Ace was madly in love with buddy Chris Daughtry, and that even though Chris was married (to a woman), he felt that the affection was fun. The more I thought about it, the more I just knew it was true. Their relationship became all I could think about. I watched videos of their performances over and over again - pausing on group numbrs if it looked like they were going to hug. And damn, those boys hugged a lot! Week after week, I taped the results show so I could go to the local bar with friends. I would usually get home and rewind just a few minutes, so I knew who left before I watched the whole episode. I became more and more worried about Ace each week, and then it happened... Ace was voted off.

I remember that night a little differently than Jamie does. Maybe bcause my world seemed to be falling down around me... Maybe because I was pretty damn drunk. What I remember was this: I drunkenly called Jamie, upset about the show. What Jamie recalls (and reminds me of quite frequently) was nothing less than an emotional breakdown. I’m told that I called her immediately after I rewound and saw that Ace had been voted off. I guess I was pretty distraught, sobbing to her my now infamous line: “NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE!” She tried to calm me down and to help me think of happy things. She even told me she loved me, to which I again responded that that didn’t matter, that nothing mattered. I still don’t fully believe her, but it does sound like something I’d do. Now it does, at least. I knew at that point in time that I really liked Ace, and didn’t want the Ace/Chris love affair to have to end. What I didn’t know was just how integral a part they were playing in my emotional well-being. It became more and more confusing - why had a lesbian fallen for these guys? Why Ace? Well, he’s beautiful. Plain and simple. No other explanation needed. To this day, some three years later, I still listen to his rendition of “Father Figure” at least once a week. I even bought his recently released album - and forced myself to listen to it all the way through, despite really not liking it. As I listened, I felt embarrassed for him. And me. Plus, it’s sad that he’s still singing to women. What the fuck...

Year six: Not a fan. I thought a few people were decent, but nothing spectacular stood out for me. Blake seemed like a nice guy, but I got really tired really fast of his beat-boxing nonsense. -- Not nearly as tired as I got of the Christian Virgin Princess Ms. Sparks.

Year seven: The inner hippie in me was finally happy with Idol. Jason Castro. Oh honey, Jason Castro. From his audition on, I was in love. I knew instantly that he’d want to be my friend. I just knew it (until after the season was over and I learned about his freaky Christian ordeal). I started watching videos of him singing with friends, pre-idol. He was always just so, so, so cute. And high. Oh lord, the boy always seemed completely high. And I loved that about him. I loved watching him goof off in the group numbers, and I loved his pre-performance interview clips. I loved the dopey looks that never seemed to leave his face, and the responses he came up with for the judges (“I was thinking Bob Marley!”) Week after week, I was eager to watch his awkwardly divine performance. I asked my friends to call in and vote for him. It was... Intense. I remember thinking he wasn’t the best singer by any means (I also really liked David Cook), but that he made me so happy that I just needed him to stay around for a little while longer.

When Jason was voted off the show, I admit I was a little worried how I’d respond. The fact that he seemed to be relieved by the announcement really helped. It was as if he knew it was coming - and although I wasn’t quite ready for it, I had to remind myself that he had forgotten the words to a Bob Dylan song. Minus ten hippie points, Mr. Castro. For shame. But aside from the whole post-Idol Christian awakening ordeal, I still pretty much love him.

Year seven marked the first time I went to the Idol concert - and I fuckin loved it! I really had the time of my life at that show. My boss bought tickets for her partner’s birthday - with the understanding that she would not have to go. We felt a bit out of place at the concert - for we aren’t exactly teeny bopper fans. But despite the fact that we sat really far away, it was an amazing show. She brought little opera binoculars, and I took tons of pictures. I remember saying I had a great time, but probably wouldn’t go to the Idol concert again -- until...

Year eight: Adam fucking Lambert. Dear sweet lord... Yep. As I often say to Jamie, “It’s scary how much I like him. I know this.” From the hip movements to the high notes, I love it all. I don’t know how many lesbians are this obsessed with him, but I’d like to meet them all.

It all started with his audition, and even some of Hollywood week. He wasn’t shown nearly enough, but I knew right away there may be an obsession of Ace and Jason levels beginning. As the season progressed, it started getting dangerous. I started all the familiar actions - looking at articles and pictures online, watching every pre-idol video I could find, and watching back each episode to see how the other contestants responded to him. For me, he became this amazing and hot fantasy creature, who, at the same time, I knew would be my very best friend.

I don’t know what it means for a lesbian to have sex dreams about men, but today when I woke up, I had this strange urge to shower. I then had to remind myself that I was not going to have sex with Adam Lambert that day (as happened in the dream). So, the shower waits a day. What a relief! I don’t understand why the dreams happen, but that doesn’t mean I want them to stop. It’s like my own little private peep show - where my mind controls everything that happens.

After the pictures, videos, articles, and dreams, I find myself still wanting more Adam Lambert. Perhaps he could perform in a really strange (and probably not good) duet with Eddie Vedder - at least it would be hot. I want more, because I tend to convince myself in these circumstances that the other person would be my very best friend if they just got to know me. Isn’t that somewhere in a stalker handbook of some kind? The feeling one gets from liking someone so much whom they’ll never know - well it’s a fun little package of unending hope and tragic awareness.

So, after all the purely hot performances, all the hip thrusting, shoulder shrugging, and subtle glances at the camera, I have a hard time moving forward. I will be attending the concert again this year - with Jamie! She’ll be the one with the headache, in the “I’m really very glad I am here” shirt, taking pictures during the concert - but only of my reactions to what’s going on... To hold over my head forever. Out of love, of course.

It’s obvious by now that my Idol obsession is something I think about often. When I listen to the oldies station on the radio, I usually am reminded of something Idol-related with every other song. The show has been such a solid presence in my life for the past eight years that I’m worried what I’ll do without it. When that day comes, I may just need to take the day off of work - to cry.

In case it wasn’t clear, I love American Idol more than most things and people. It sounds sad, but it’s true. People haven’t really impressed me lately, but Idol never lets me down.

embroidery project

2010-05-25T10:49:00.002-04:00

i've taken on a big undertaking in the nerdy, glorious project of embroidering a sayid-themed tote bag for jamie. i'm excited, eager, and worried for it... and hoping it turns out well. i'm going to document the process here, so i can hold myself accountable for making it look decent/fantastic.

here's just the basic outline in pen:

things that make me not scream while being jobless

2010-05-14T10:56:00.003-04:00

coffee with sugar-free french vanilla creamer every morning
will and grace, the entire series, on dvd
nbc.com
candy coated sunflower seeds
embroidering/patching my old jeans
the interwebs
painting my nails... over and over again... one layer on top of the last... forever
watching my nails grow
smelling sewer in my house

so... some things make me scream just a little.

It doesn't always go your way.

2010-04-26T13:27:00.000-04:00

It doesn’t always go your way.

I wish I had been told when I was far younger that this idea of life... sucks. That there are so many days where getting off the couch feels like more work than solving global warming or figuring out gun control legislation. That the so-called simple things like brushing your teeth, putting on clothes, picking up your keys and walking to your car... that these simple things can and will be a bigger accomplishment than stories heard of hero childbirth or bomb detonation. I wish I had known what this would feel like. I like to think I would have avoided it.

The older I get and the more I learn about mental illness, the more I realize that depression and anxiety are by far their own brand of illness. Granted, similar to illnesses such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, depression and anxiety seem to have exact prototypes, expectations, and symptoms. We’re told at the same time, however, that there are always exceptions - always cases and people who break the mold. I’ve grown weary of these expectations of illness if there is such a large number of individualized diagnoses. Everyone’s illness is their own - or at least that’s what I’ve been taught. And yet, we turn to textbooks, diagnoses manuals, and case studies to diagnose the disease. Once you’re labeled, you can be medicated. And once you’re medicated, you can blend in.

Depression and anxiety tend to have a far greater chance of going unnoticed. Symptoms often appear more inward, or at the very least are more socially acceptable. When I am highly symptomatic, I spend time alone. No one knows what I’m doing during that time, and that thought allows me the freedom to just be. Spending time alone, although sometimes frowned upon in our social environment, feels too easy. I’m not hearing voices, and I’m not delusional. Or, if I am, no one is there to notice it. That’s comforting...

I don’t remember ever being diagnosed with depression or anxiety - just medicated. I have been off and on meds for the past seven years. And it’s weird to say that, because no matter how long I spend off of meds before starting up again, I always feel like they’re a normal part of me. As normal as my addiction to the show Dexter, nicotine, caffeine, or cute little garden gnomes, I suppose. So I have adjusted to the fact that life... sucks. I don’t mean that in an over-emotional, pessimistic, we’re all failures type of way. I do see beauty in every day life. But, I was never expecting all the shit. I wasn’t taught about all the fucking shit. The shit was hidden from me - from everyone. Forced to find the shit on our own, and armed with no defense once we found it. I wasn’t surprised when I first went on meds; but rather, relieved that something finally made sense.

The more I make sense of everything that’s happened in my life, the more I hate self-reflection. I don’t think we’re ever really ready for what we find when we look inward. I know I wasn’t. It’s quite the lonely feeling, depression. Not that I expect to be told that once you’re diagnosed with depression, you’re the hit of the party...the party animal ready to stand in the spotlight with all your buddies. Maybe I expected to have more of a community - but that’s the thing I’ve found with depression; that people don’t tend to discuss their symptoms.

I feel I have come to a point in my life where I have two choices: take medication, or don’t. What appears to be a fairly easy decision has caused me a great deal of turmoil in the past seven years. What I’ve found is that the symptoms are often very similar whether off or on medication. How life differs is the duration of symptoms. For example, I am always going to be a person who cries fairly often. While on medication, I cry in short, very intense almost sudden outbursts. While off medication, I cry a little all day long. So life has become a fairly simple choice: how much time can I allow to crying and letting it all out?

For the time being, I often feel content with being on medication. It’s so easy to go back to feelings of giving up hope, being desperate for help, and worries of becoming emotionless, empty, or dull. I feel, however, that being dull is the least of my concerns. Often I’m aware that I’m secluding myself from others, or that when I am around loved ones, may appear “dull.” What concerns me, though, is if I feel that way when I’m all alone. Sitting here alone in my apartment, I feel boring, yes... But also what I describe as simply feeling at home. With everything that has occurred in my life in the past few years, that feeling is what I value the very most. And I’ve come to learn, with all the shit in life, that the only way I can have that “home,” is to create it myself.

could be fun

2010-03-15T12:40:00.003-04:00

looking forward to:
AND... .

just felt like that needed to be said. i'm having a springtime of smart, charming, funny men. it was bound to happen at some point.

my nails are clicking on the keyboard as i type this. again... bound to happen at some point.

facebook leftovers

2010-03-03T16:41:00.000-05:00

"I'm addicted to these stories. Which is odd, because I don't have an addictive personality." - from karen walker...and me.

"I am amazing. If I ever get up off this couch, I'll be unstoppable." - roseanne

"I'm liberal with a touch of reform and a smidgen of zippity-pow!" - gilmore girls

"I'm not good OR real. I'm evil. And imaginary." - will and grace

"Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this... compulsive need to be liked. Like my need to be praised." - the office

"Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?" - the office

i don't feel i need to explain the obsession any more after this...

2010-02-27T19:43:00.004-05:00

2010-02-12T20:33:00.000-05:00

i love nataliedee.com

2010-01-27T20:09:00.006-05:00

me: i need ideas of what to write about on my blog
missy: Moving. American idol. Your haircut. Me.

so... there it is. i'm moving this weekend. still in the same little city - perhaps i'm a glutton for punishment. or, i really do consider it home. but, i'm pretty damn excited about moving, new beginnings, all that business.

and because i still have a lot to do before the state of the union address:

i am really enjoying the new season of idol thus far. not as much as i enjoy my haircut. and definitely not as much as i enjoy missy.

done and done.

edit: very glad to see michael castro back again. now i'm done.

The dreaded summation of heavenly tobacco sessions

2010-01-09T09:13:00.001-05:00

Well... almost two hours down. So far so good. It feels so pitiful to talk about quitting in measure of hours... but I figure soon it will be days, then weeks, months, and years. Maybe blogging will be my nicotine patch. How exciting.………

the american music awards

2009-11-22T20:10:00.007-05:00

this post is for jamie. just because.

so the ama's are starting... and only 10 minutes in, here are my thoughts:

janet jackson is... how do you say... hot!
i teared up watching jermaine jackson sing along with janet
since when does nickelback still make shitty music? damn.... someone needs to tell them to stop. right now. or yesterday. or years ago.
i love that we live in a world that will give a paula abdul another chance.

now on to the rest of the show... some more random thoughts that at least jamie should understand, comprehend, or translate:

i remember being obsessed with chris daughtry... don't remember it half as well as jamie does, though.
kelly clarkson.... oh honey, i just love you so much. you're pretty damn amazing, and always have been.
i'm pretty sure jay-z bothers me as much as alicia keys does not bother me. and i'm also pretty sure that the best thing about jay-z is beyonce's ass.
nothing screams the american music awards like christian slater............
what the hell is 'shinedown?'
i want a group hug with green day. immediately.
diet mt. dew is a gift from the holy. there is no doubt in my mind. that has nothing to do with the show, but everything to do with my life right now.
poor kate hudson... you look absolutely amazing, but you should have gotten to walk out there alone. not with her.
dayamn, fergie.... and yes, i think adam lambert would be a good addition to the black eyed peas. who knows. maybe it could work. but ummm... what's up with playing nirvana? i don't so much care for that.
i'm confused about band hero and its commercials... blink 182, fall out boy, and weezer (yes i had to look up the later two)
YESSSSS SAMUEL L JACKSON. let a motherfucker talk! he better be presenting something later.
since when does carrie underwood have tramps dancing around her? i'm not used to this. can you imagine that conversation at thanksgiving dinner? -- "well, honey, what have you been up to lately?" "oh me? i'm a trashy dancer for carrie underwood. no. really."
oh gaga...there are no words.
hottest so far tonight: mary j. and it's already 9:43.
so this band i've never heard of beat lady gaga, and i don't understand. when the guy on stage asked for a show of hands for people who have never heard of them, i raised my hand. i'd like to see them sit on lady gaga's flaming piano.
i want to give j.lo a hug. i don't know what happened, but she looks really pissy.
HELLLLLLLLL YES SAMUEL L JACKSON.
yes, i am okay with a second dose of alicia keys. thank you for asking.
okay it's 10:20 now... 40 minutes left in the show, supposedly. at this point, from how they've described adam lambert's performance, i feel like it needs to be the aristocrats meets a gay orgy meets blasphemy meets a drag queen covered in a glitter hurricane. i will accept no less.
i want green day to cover 'let it be.'
i think taylor swift seems like a really sweet person, but i just do not understand her appeal. at all. i don't understand seeing her as being all that talented... and i need for her to stop being sweet. and it's just completely ridiculous that she just beat michael jackson for an award. there's something really wrong with the world.
okay, adam... here we go... well, okay. some dude pretending to give you oral sex gets the cameras off of you... yet women can be all over you. what the hell. and totally not the best vocals ever. by any means. but the thought that it's just supposed to be entertaining is, well, pretty damn true. why does the camera go off of him when he kisses someone? that seems weird. i'll say this: would have liked to see that performance on idol. also, shut up, seacrest.

nails.

2009-07-27T12:29:00.001-04:00

an article i found. and i like it.

...hopefully soon i'll have the energy and time to actually write.

weeds

2009-07-12T22:45:00.001-04:00

"Sure, death is no big deal, because life is just.... blah, blah, blah."

"It IS just blah, blah, blah. You hope for blah... and sometimes you find it, but mostly it's blah. And waiting for blah. And hoping you were right about the blah's you made. And then, just when you think you've got the whole blah'd damn thing figured out and you're surrounded by the ones you blah, death shows up... and blah, blah, blah."

- weeds

grocery store, ma'am

2009-07-10T21:38:00.001-04:00

i bought groceries for work today. the cart was piled so high i could barely see over it. i find great satisfaction in my packing a grocery cart skills. on the way out of the store, it was 3 carts. i'm amazing.

the moral of the story: when you're 25 years old and a 16/17/18 year old guy helping you with your groceries tells you "you have a lot of groceries, ma'am," he laughs when you respond with "no shit, kid." still stings that he called me ma'am, though.

Fireworks and Roseanne

2009-07-04T23:38:00.001-04:00

Stayed late at work tonight to do fireworks and make s'mores. 10 hour work day was a bit much, but fun. Now I'm exhausted and watching a Roseanne marathon on tv. Life is good.

random thoughts

2009-06-26T12:43:00.002-04:00

i visited jamie this past weekend, and i guess my honest thoughts come out when i'm with her. i could ramble for hours to annoy jamie. it's a skill:

sometimes i'm too lazy to talk, so i grunt a little. my bologna has a first name. i would be in a foursome with ellen page, jason bateman, and alia shawkat. i can't tell if my head's moving. coffee tastes good. my finger's in my mouth. i'm currently writing my own novel, to justify my own behaviors. i break things. stephen colbert is cute. my goal in life is to be a guest on the daily show, or to marry lily allen. or to marry lily allen on the daily show.

if i'm being totally honest...

2009-06-19T23:35:00.002-04:00

if i'm being totally honest, here are the things that have made me really happy lately. when work gets stressful, the following (in no particular order) have yet to fail me:

singing "the fear" by lily allen in my car
adam lambert - in any capacity
talking to jamie and kim online in the evenings
mindy kaling - in all capacities. really, i'm fairly certain she should be my girlfriend. and it would work and be magical. but that's a separate blog entry all of its own.
doughnuts and fat-free hot chocolate - i figure they even out
ceiling and attic fans
will and grace, as long as it's not the last few episodes of the series
clove cigarettes
coffee, espresso, coffee, espresso, coffee, espresso, coffee, and espresso
pictures of jason castro with awkward facial hair
spending time trying to find something about which kevin jay and i don't agree

book

2009-06-18T09:46:00.002-04:00

a while back, jamie convinced me that i should write more - choose some topics from my life, and write a life story of sorts. here's the chapters i've written so far:

Being Gay Brought Me Closer to God
On Getting Fat, Being Fat, and Staying Fat
Nothing Matters Anymore: Otherwise Known as American Idol

as you can see, it's already a thrilling read. but really... i'm definitely enjoying the process. and i'm eager to finish (eventually) so jamie can get to writing the forward.

an amazing article

2009-06-12T11:08:00.002-04:00

I recently read (and ripped out of the magazine in the doctor's waiting room) a pretty great article. Author Amanda Robb, for Newsweek, wrote a piece entitled "A Casualty of the Abortion War," and it really did a number on me. I tried to find it online, and will keep trying, I guess. Once I find it, I'll post a link. Or, you could look for yourself!

this makes me cry.

2009-06-03T16:35:00.001-04:00

it's true. i like it so much, it makes me cry. what do you think?

the lights are much brighter there...

2009-06-02T23:06:00.000-04:00

i also enjoy this.

2009-05-29T19:52:00.001-04:00

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

i enjoy this.

2009-05-29T19:48:00.000-04:00

VH1 TV Shows | Music Videos | Celebrity Photos | News & Gossip

"Hope will never be silent." - Harvey Milk

2009-05-04T22:21:00.002-04:00

Well, I finally made myself watch the film Milk tonight. I was dreading it as I remember dreading Boys Don't Cry and The Laramie Project a few years back. Certain life stories just hit too close to home - they don't just dig at my heartstrings, they challenge me to figure out who I really am, how I feel about that, and what I'm going to do with that. Certain life stories force me to not accept this world, for I learn from them that there just has to be a better world out there. Life stories such as Brandon Teena, Matt Shepard, and Harvey Milk snap me out of every single minute complaint about my daily life - and they show me that what I see as a small part of my identity is, in fact, a common bond to greatness.

My struggles feel so small and so common, yet tragic and earned just the same. I hope that someday, everyone I talk to will have seen these tremendous films - they're a good place to start.

funky.

2009-04-27T09:25:00.001-04:00

i love it.

Want more American Idol videos? Click here.

two things

2009-04-27T09:12:00.004-04:00

one: found this new blog, aimed at gathering the stories of the pro-choice population. no apologies, just honest opinions and stories. check it out, and think about emailing them to add your story! http://intercessorsforchoice.blogspot.com/

two: idol. i haven't been blogging much lately, and that's in part because of having a full-time job, but mostly because of idol. usually the obsession skips a year (as it did from ace to jason), but i'm moving right from jason into adam. it's pretty sad how much i enjoy the show, and even more how i look forward to his performances. i already posted the video for "mad world," but following this entry, i'll post one of my favorites. "play that funky music"... nice. finally he started dancing a bit, and it's upbeat enough for me to listen to on the way to and from work most days. i'll probably update more on idol after the top 5 becomes 4, assuming the person i can't stand goes home.

i'll write more about this soon...

2009-04-27T08:36:00.001-04:00

Want more American Idol videos? Click here.

2009-04-06T22:57:00.003-04:00

umm why had i not seen THIS before now?

growing

2009-03-06T09:28:00.002-05:00

Traumatic experiences really baffle me. It's not just the experience that confuses and ruins me, but how we grow and learn from it. My problem is holding on. I can hold onto the hurt and pain of a situation for eternity. We remember the sounds, sights, and noises of everything about those days. We remember the feelings, both hopeful and tragic, and everything we said. Maybe that's part of the pain, but for me it's starting to be part of the purely exhausting joy of moving on. The ability to remember -- albeit a burden -- is the only way I know to start to release the pain. First gather, then let go. Hold and release. We don't want to forget what happened -- but we want to remember how it feels to once again be in a good place. To look at our futures and grab on tight. Abuse changes a person so deeply -- their innermost childish memories somehow seem clouded. Three, twelve, sixteen, twenty years old -- at some point we were no longer children, but innocent enough to cry like we did as an infant.

my bedroom

2009-03-02T09:20:00.009-05:00

over the past few years, i've grown fairly attached to my bedrooms. i've had a different one each year, and decorated each of them immediately. below, the order is: sophomore year, junior year, senior year, goshen, minnesota, goshen.

miss it

2009-02-26T09:55:00.011-05:00

i miss these things more than i know how to explain:

Jamie

2009-02-23T21:36:00.002-05:00

A while back, Jamie (my bfffe) and I compiled a list of our favorite things we had said to each other in instant message conversations. I just read through this list again, and felt the need to copy and paste some of my favorites... whether it's because we were funny, or just what we said defined our friendship. Here's some of the best:

jamie: sometimes the truth isn't sexy
maggie: the truth is never sexy

maggie: YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT MAGGIE [gyllenhaal] HAS TATTOOS AND YELLS AND IS HOT
jamie: i thought that would be a fun surprise
maggie: holyshit
maggie: and she works in a muffin factory
maggie: BAHAHAHA dyke
jamie: i believe it's called a bakery

maggie: you just sent me the same link again
jamie: i did not
maggie: i clicked on it twice

maggie: jamie not during idol

jamie: there are so many levels of weird there
maggie: i don't see them.

maggie: i think this guy is singing meatloaf
maggie: .........or toni braxton or something
maggie: ha... who sang that awful 'it's all coming back to me now' song?
jamie: celine dion

maggie: jamie, i need you to promise you will still love me when i tell you what i am about to tell you
jamie: of course i promise
maggie: i think i might watch 'oprah's big give' tonight

maggie: aww we creepily winked at each other
jamie: mmmmhm
maggie: i feel like you and i should NEVER wink at each other
maggie: or anyone else, really

maggie: i think that maybe donny and marie osmond have had sex with eachother
jamie: yeah, i don't see how they haven't

jamie: i think this really is the season when people fall in love, unfortunately for both of us, i just fell in love with you this year

maggie: if you love me, you'll buy me a sofa.
jamie: isn't my love enough?
maggie: i can't sit on your love to watch tv.

maggie: can you overdose on anti-depressants?
jamie: i think you can overdose on anything
maggie: even love?
jamie: especially love

maggie: i do love you, shut up
jamie: you won't after you sleep with me
maggie: aww... you are mixing things up!

maggie: your word list is reeeeeeeeeally lesbionic
maggie: cunt, being, satin, flap, deep
jamie: it's my way of telling you i'm gay
maggie: awwww
maggie: mine: cook, joke, jews, nope, fat, bid
jamie: yours is kind of antisemitic

maggie: is jim batman?!
jamie: i think he's supposed to be a vampire...

jamie: the golden globes were canceled
maggie: aiohbvowuiehvujiewviowerhogibjewrg
maggie: MY WORLD IS ENDING
jamie: it's just going to be a news conference
jamie: it's for the writers, maggie!
maggie: BUT MY WORLD...............

jamie: i think we need to create a new word for interpretive dance
maggie: like...
jamie: fuckshit.

jamie: i don't know all of the words that you just said
maggie: you mean you didn't understand 'like that bit of necht i could put tham still wearin git' ??

thoughts on the oscars

2009-02-22T19:38:00.002-05:00

angelina jolie - absolutely beautiful. as i said to jamie, "her hair is what i want my hair to look like." i love the gorgeous black dress, the earrings, all of it.

the children from slumdog millionaire made my entire night, and that was over an hour before the show even started, as they talked to ryan seacrest on the red carpet.

kate winslet... i really think i'd make a better husband for you.

amy adams - my god she looks good.

i actually like miley cyrus' dress... this hurts me to say.

meryl streep is the best looking woman in that room, hands down.

i really love the way they're presenting the awards. watching the women stand there... who have won best supporting actress... well, i teared up. it makes me even more excited for all the awards tonight. the personal touch added by doing it this way is just outstanding. also, i love whoopi goldberg.

i have such a crush on taraji p. henson. daaaamn...

dustin lance black, i love you so, so much. way to go, buddy. i'm crying so hard, and i just really love you. i judge celebrities by who clapped really big for you, and i wish they had shown more of the crowd.

natalie portman = beautiful. but, i don't think making fun of joaquin is funny.

...not many thoughts for a while, busy tearing up, talking to jamie, and helping elise move some furniture.

oh sean penn. oh, oh, oh sean penn. thank you.

i missed so much because i didn't think to type, but now i'm going to go to bed.

grammy awards

2009-02-08T21:49:00.003-05:00

from the grammy's tonight, i have realized just how much i dislike some people. this includes, but is not limited to: kidrock, miley cyrus, craig ferguson, and 2 of the 3 jonas brothers.

in other news, i have also fallen in love with adele and m.i.a. hardcore.

Courage Campaign - Sign, and pass it on!

2009-02-08T10:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/divorce

Follow that link. Read until you cry, scream, or...best of all... DO SOMETHING.

It's really easy to sign a letter online. So, sign the letter, watch the video, and PASS IT ALONG. What else were you going to do today?

...and be smart, and put your own name in the blanks.

randomicity

2009-02-07T10:00:00.002-05:00

i thought of some more random facts.

if you could put the dunder mifflin office in stars hollow, i would live there forever and never, ever complain. the combination of the jim/pam relationship added with the charm of small town connecticut would fill nearly every void in my life. plus, then my emotional well-being would have to do with real-life, and not just two tv shows, one of which is no longer making new episodes. and jamie could visit me, and i'd introduce her to all my crazy stars hollow friends after i got off work at the office and headed to luke's for dinner. really, though, my real life makes me sad now that i've come up with this utopia. good thing i'm watching gilmore girls.

i hate doing laundry and showering about equally. this results in me often being far dirtier than i'd like to be. really, it's that one or two extra days past the point of no return. those are the days i consider just never showering or doing laundry ever again. and i try to think of everyone i know, and i try to figure out who would still want to hang around me if that were the case. i believe i calculated it at two or three friends.

i worry that my dear kevin jay doesn't realize how serious i am about the sperm.

the coconut/caramel/chocolate girlscout cookies are seriously a huge weakness for me. i could eat boxes in one sitting, and only feel slightly sick. or, really sick - and really happy.

when i started this post, i really thought i'd be able to come up with like 40 random facts. and, that's just not going to happen. and i'm a little disappointed in myself.

i don't completely understand why the vagina monologues mean as much to me as they do. but, they just really, really do.

i have at least one really close friend who i talk to maybe once a month, if i'm lucky. this makes me really sad, but they still know me better than most people.

since i've been writing this, i've been drinking coffee and complaining to myself about how much it hurts my insides... which is a lot.

i complain so much that i forget what i'm complaining about, and then i complain about the fact that i can't remember. it's both a fantastic skill and an amazing burden. i love and hate it.

i miss jason castro.

changes and sore muscles

2009-02-02T17:15:00.003-05:00

in the past couple months, i've been trying to readjust back into a sense of normal life. turns out i'm not that good at living a normal life. i moved in with my friend elise, in a 4 bedroom/2 bathroom house. so far, so good. she has three children, who spent all of january here, none of february, and after that will be here every other week. it feels weird to be 25 years old, and to spend some time taking care of three children (11, 8, 7).

in the recent past, some new things have been added to the list of favorite things in my mind:

slumdog millionaire
talking to kevin jay on the phone
florida's natural pocket fruit-to-go
cat-pig
buildings with heat, and i don't have to pay for it

also, i'm pretty much loving the biggest loser this season. i'm also very excited for the season of idol. ...and eagerly awaiting sytycd, even though it will still be a while.

what i look like now, when i'm not shoveling snow:

2008-10-21T10:25:00.000-04:00

today (and always) i miss him.

tattoo fixing.

2008-09-16T22:18:00.003-04:00

old v. new

i have scarred, learned from my mistakes, and finally love one of my favorite tattoos again.

rant!

2008-09-16T16:15:00.002-04:00

i left work early today so i could curl up on my bed with cramps. i went out to my car, started it, got half a block down to the corner. i saw two beautiful golden-colored dogs running around the intersection, so i started yelling (my windows were down) because that's all i could think to do. a car drove through the intersection rather quickly, and from what i can figure out, one of the dogs hit his(her?) head against the car as it drove by. i put on my blinkers, got into park, and got out of my car. i tried so hard to get the dogs to come to me so i could look at their tags and call the owners (they were really friendly dogs, with good tags on their collars), but they wouldn't hold still long enough for me to see a number. the one that got hurt had a bloody nose, but was running around fine with the other. i walked from door to door ringing doorbells and knocking, and nobody came to the door. my hands were bloody from the dog, and i was walking around with the dogs following me. something spooked them, and they ran off. i drove a bit farther, after wiping my hands off in the grass, and couldn't find them again when i got out. total, i stopped three times, each time the dogs thought i was playing with them when i tried to get them to settle down. i just wanted to scream at that car for going through the intersection so quickly, injuring a dog, and not stopping.

i tend to really beat myself up over things like this... not able to forget them for days. so, i'm trying to remind myself that the dog couldn't have been that badly injured if it was able to run around just fine... so that's good. i just hope nothing else happens to them, and they get home safely. and people slow the fuck down. what the hell.

questions

2008-09-05T21:49:00.004-04:00

1. When someone says "brb," how much time does that really allot them?
(It was suggested to me that a better idea may be IBLFAIAOT, I'll be leaving for an indefinite amount of time)
2. Is there anyone more charming and frustrating on television than Steve Carrell?
3. Autumn is the best season. Is it not? Shut up.
4. With what would you like your ideal gift basket to be filled?
5. What color earrings should I make for you?
6. Which character currently on a television show are you the most like?
7. What should I do with my last few weeks in Minnesota?

mp3 madness

2008-09-03T16:18:00.005-04:00

A week or so ago, I realized that the little mp3 icon on the cd player in my car really meant something. This something is greatly welcomed in my life, and I don't really know how I didn't do something about it earlier. I found the program on my computer that will allow me to burn mp3s to disc, and I made a disc with all the soundbites from the Office Jamie has sent me. There are 175 of them. It's a pretty amazing disc. I also made what I shall refer to as a hella-amazing creation. I went through the folders of music on my computer and chose a couple songs I like from the good ones. Doesn't work with purchased music, though, so no Jason Castro for this mix. :(

The contents of said hella-amazing creation (all 191 songs):

33 Zen Lane – Bitch and Animal
About Nothin’ – The Murmurs
Across the Universe – The Beatles
Adam & Eve – Ani DiFranco
After the Gold Rush – Natalie Merchant
Airport Song – Guster
All That I Need – Blind Melon
American Girl – Tom Petty
Another Lonely Day – Ben Harper
As Cool As I Am – Dar Williams
Because The Night – 10,000 Maniacs
Best Cock on the Block – Bitch and Animal
Betty Ford – Bitch and Animal
Black – Pearl Jam
Born to Hum – Erin McKeown
Breakdown – Jack Johnson
Candy Says – Blind Melon
Cannonball – Brandi Carlile, Indigo Girls
Center of Attention – Guster
Changed – Blind Melon
Closer to You – Brandi Carlile
Country Song – The Murmurs
Crazy Baby – Joan Osborne
Creepin’ In – Norah Jones, Dolly Parton
Cynical – Chris Pureka
Daylight Fading – Counting Crows
Dear Mr. President – Pink
Demons – Guster
Do You Love Me Now – The Breeders
Do You Remember – Jack Johnson
Don’t Have a Cow Man – Kevin Jay Schatz
Don’t Leave Me Here Tonight – Goldmine Pickers
Dreams Be Dreams – Jack Johnson
Drivin’ On 9 – The Breeders
Easy’s Getting’ Harder Every Day – Iris DeMent
Either Way – Guster
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town – Pearl Jam
Elephant Shoes – Mutual Kumquat
Everybody Hurts – REM
Fallin – Alicia Keys
Far Behind – Candlebox
February – Dar Williams
Feminist Housewives – Bitch and Animal
Fidelity – Regina Spektor
Fixing a Hole – The Beatles
Fixing Her Hair – Ani DiFranco
Follow – Brandi Carlile
Freedom – Ellis
Fuckin’ Up – Pearl Jam
Galileo – Indigo Girls
God of Wine – Third Eye Blind
Gone – Brandi Carlile
Grand Exit – Ellis
Greed – Goldmine Pickers
Grown Up Christmas List – Amy Grant
Guaranteed – Eddie Vedder
Hag – The Breeders
Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley
Hard to Handle – Black Crowes
Help! – The Beatles
Hey There Fancypants! – Ween
Hitchin’ a Ride – Green Day
Holyman – Blind Melon
How Many Miles Must We March – Ben Harper
Human Behavior – Bjork
I Can’t Get Next to You – The Temptations
I Have Seen the Rain – Pink
I Know – Fiona Apple
I May Know the Word – Natalie Merchant
I Will Survive – Cake
I’d Like To – Corinne Bailey Rae
If It Isn’t Her – Ani DiFranco
In My Own Eyes – Brandi Carlile
It’s All Understood – Jack Johnson
It’s Been Awhile – Staind
James! – Erin McKeown
Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam – Nirvana
Jesus on the Radio – Guster
Knock Me Down – Red Hot Chili Peppers
La Vie Boheme – the cast of Rent
Lesbian Lover – Mutual Kumquat
Let It Be Me – Indigo Girls
Let the Mystery Be – Iris DeMent
Letter to a John – Ani DiFranco
Letters From a Porcupine – Shannon Hoon
Life Ain’t so Shitty – Blind Melon
Life Support – the cast of Rent
Lilac Wine – Jeff Buckley
Lithium – Nirvana
Lonesome Gone – Goldmine Pickers
Long May You Run – Neil Young
Look at Miss Ohio – Gillian Welch
Lover, You Should Have Come Over – Jeff Buckley
Make Them Apologize – Ani DiFranco
Mama’s Got a Girlfriend Now – Ben Harper
Man on the Moon – REM
Me and Bobby McGee – Janis Joplin
Monkey Wrench – Foo Fighters
Mother Mother – Tracy Bonham
Mother Nature’s Son – The Beatles
Motorcycle Drive By – Third Eye Blind
Mouthful of Cavities – Blind Melon
Mud – Goldmine Pickers
My Dear Country – Norah Jones
My Friends – Red Hot Chili Peppers
My Life – Iris DeMent
My Number – Tegan and Sarah
Napoleon – Ani DiFranco
Navy Bean – Tracy Bonham
New Life – Blind Melon
No – Shakira
No More (Live) – Eddie Vedder
No Rain – Blind Melon
Not Ready to Make Nice – Dixie Chicks
Nothin’ New – Ellis
Nothing Else Matters – Metallica
Nugget – Cake
O Child – Trent Wagler
Old Man – Neil Young
Once – Pearl Jam
Hey Ya! – Outkast
Pagan Poetry – Bjork
Paper Bag – Fiona Apple
Pea – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps – Cake
Picture of Jesus – Ben Harper
Played Like a Pawn – The Story of Ourselves
Please Please Please – Fiona Apple
Porch – Pearl Jam
Porch Songs – Chris Pureka
Redundant – Green Day
River – Natalie Merchant
Rocket – Smashing Pumpkins
Rocketship – Guster
Romeo and Juliet – Indigo Girls
Sad Songs and Waltzes – Cake
Santeria – Sublime
Say Hello 2 Heaven – Temple of the Dog
Seed to a Tree – Blind Melon
Semi-Charmed Life – Third Eye Blind
Seven Years – Natalie Merchant
Seven Years – Norah Jones
Sexy Back – Justin Timberlake
Shame on You – Indigo Girls
She Talks to Angels – Black Crowes
Sleepless Commotion – The Murmurs
Sleepyhouse – Blind Melon
Slip Slidin’ Away – Simon and Garfunkel
Snow Day – Lisa Loeb
Soup – Blind Melon
Stardog Champion – Mother Love Bone
Stupid Girls – Pink
Summer Camp Slut – Kevin Jay Schatz
Sweet is the Melody – Iris DeMent
Talk to Me Now – Ani DiFranco
Tell it to the Sky – Tracy Bonham
That Time – Regina Spektor
The Christians and the Pagans – Dar Williams
The Horizon Has Been Defeated – Jack Johnson
The Letter – Natalie Merchant
The Living – Natalie Merchant
The Other Side – Melissa Ferrick
The Story – Brandi Carlile
There You Go – Pink
This Time – Tracy Chapman
Three Little Birds – Bob Marley
Tigers Above, Tigers Below – Ellis
Today – Smashing Pumpkins
Tomorrow – Silverchair
Tones of Home – Blind Melon
Tragedy (Austin Cello Version) – Brandi Carlile
Tremor Christ – Pearl Jam
Two Points for Honesty – Guster
Underdog – The Murmurs
Untitled – Mutual Kumquat
Waiting for Wednesday – Lisa Loeb
Walk – Blind Melon
Walk On By – Cake
Warning – Incubus
Wasted – Brandi Carlile
What’s the Frequency, Kenneth? – REM
What’s the Matter – Doria Roberts
When I Was a Boy – Dar Williams
When They Ring the Golden Bells – Natalie Merchant
Will I – the cast of Rent
Wishlist – Pearl Jam
Wrong Way – Sublime
WTC – Bitch and Animal
Yellow Ledbetter – Pearl Jam
You Part the Waters – Cake
You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go – Bob Dylan

minnesota state fair

2008-08-27T23:10:00.007-04:00

i really had no idea what i was getting into when i made plans to go to the minnesota state fair all day and evening yesterday. i was not aware i would watch a cat get spayed. i was not aware i would watch the afterbirth fall out of a lamb after she gave birth to two new little ones. i was not aware of how many people would crowd around the dfl booth, leaving the republicans with a handful of people. most of all, i was not aware of how completely blown away i would be by brandi carlile's performance.

in my life, i've been to a few concerts i would classify as pretty damn amazing. last night, however, brandi topped them all (with the exception of goldmine pickers, which will never be outshined). i knew i liked her music. i knew i loved her voice. i knew she had the perfect cds to listen to as i drive and sing/scream along. now i know how completely amazing it is to see her live. so i beg you... look at her touring schedule from time to time and see if she'll be in your area. believe me, brandi and her band put on a tremendous show. it's not just the voice, but her guitar playing, enthusiasm, energy, spirit, laughter, movement, and style. just trust me. go to a show.

i also made the following ranking of recordings of the song "hallelujah" : jeff buckley, brandi carlile, jason castro, rufus wainwright. i doubt anyone will ever beat jeff buckley in my mind, but brandi did a pretty amazing job with the song live.

a few of the 200+ pictures i took at the fair:

moments

2008-08-22T12:52:00.012-04:00

time for a quick journey through some images of me... pictures that i think are pretty good descriptions of me.

Coming Out Vigil -- October, 2005

2008-08-22T11:52:00.003-04:00

Every year of college I read something at the Coming Out Vigil. My senior year, one of my best friends, Allie, and I read something together. We told the story of our journey as roommates, friends, and becoming each other's families. The part of "other" was read by another good friend, Erin. For the right/center/left portion, I read the right column, Erin read "Tonight I come out as," Allie and I read the other center items together, and Allie read the left column.

Other: July 22, 2003
Me: Mom, she likes Norah Jones!
Allie: Mom, she likes to sleep naked, too!
Me: Mom, she's BRETHREN!!
Allie: Mom, she's the secretary of United Sexualities!
Other: Maybe she is a lesbian...
Allie: Oh...
Me: Mom, what if she hates gay people?...
----------------
Me: That night, I came out to her.
Allie: I came out as hating president bush.
Me: I came out as liking to sleep naked.
Allie: I came out as brethren.
Me: I came out as a lesbian.
Allie: I came out as an ally.
----------------
Me: Tonight, we come out, in front of all of you, yet again.

Tonight I come out as

Being open to possibilities

Tonight I come out as

A lesbian

Tonight I come out as

Being comfortable with finding women attractive

Tonight I come out as

A democrat

Tonight I come out as

Preparing for heartbreak 2005

Tonight I come out as

Wanting children

Tonight I come out as

Having the babysitter's club movie nearly memorized

Tonight I come out as

Having 7... or 8... tattoos

Tonight I come out as

Usually being naked

Tonight I come out as

Liking lima beans

Tonight I come out as

Craving yogurt and granola

Tonight I come out as

Confused

Tonight I come out as

Simply loving the movie Dirty Dancing

Tonight I come out as

Moving on from my past

Tonight I come out as

Liking country music... and knowing most of the words to quite a few songs

Tonight I come out as

Often sitting in my underwear, eating Chinese food

Tonight I come out as

Pierced

Tonight I come out as

Liking Usher. No... loving Usher.

Tonight I come out as

Liking gay people. No... loving gay people.

Tonight I come out as

a feminist

Tonight I come out as

Being proud of my orange hair, even if it makes me a target of hate.

Tonight I come out as

Loving our Canadians AND their gay bars

Tonight I come out as

A goddess worshipping pagan

Tonight I come out as

Having a weakness for waitresses

Tonight I come out as

Despising wal-mart, yet still going there once... or twice... a month

Tonight I come out as

Liberal

Tonight I come out as

Craving friendship and acceptance

----------------

Allie: Tonight, we chose to come out together.

Me: We come out as comfortable in our own skins. No matter the form, sexuality, or sexual orientation.

Allie: We come out as different... yet very much the same.

Me: We come out as the same... yet very different.

Both: And in a world where labels didn't matter... we could come out as exactly the same.

random journal thoughts -- 2002 through 2007

2008-08-22T11:45:00.002-04:00

I don't think I'd care to be here
I would go somewhere
do something
so I didn't have to talk to me
listen to me
nod along with me
I'm just sitting here nodding along.

I try to feel beautiful,
to understand what others see,
to appreciate curves, dimples, skin,
to never underestimate me.
But, I try and I try and all I see is me...
my beauty.

"you have a brush. you have your color. paint paradise. then go in..." -kazantzakis

sometimes i wonder
when i'll allow
closeness to be
enough.

My life passes me by
I notice small things...
A smile
And time escapes the setting
The same old type of
Feeling different this time
Uneasy
I fear I will stumble.

Senior Chapel -- May, 2006

2008-08-22T11:18:00.002-04:00

"If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person." - Fred Rogers

When I am reminded that I am supposed to leave this place a week and a half from now, my body tends to cringe with a feeling of terror. How can I leave a place that has witnessed my bud to blossom journey? When I am told to really listen to my life, however, I find different emotions. What is my life telling me? ... That I have survived so much already, it seems impossible something could bring me down. But above all else, I have learned from my life in this place that people make my world.

A wise woman once said, "A good friend is a connection to a life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world." When I first came across this quote, it hit me: the people around me are not only my friends and family, but my link to a spiritual world ... a world where I find the most beautiful of beautiful thoughts. The holy, for me, is right there in the meeting of another person I allow to enter into my circle. So my life has been this miraculous series of moments... moments in which I draw a great deal of spirituality from those around me. These connections breathe life into me.

At Manchester I learned that I can make as many connections as possible and find the deep beauty in that. I find the holy in the connections I have made with people. I find it in going skinny dipping with friends in the very lake in which I was baptized about eight years earlier. I find it in grabbing three of my friends and dancing in a circle before chapel. I find it in new friendships tragically formed right as I prepare to leave this place. I even find it in this building.

This building has seen me make an endless number of connections, including time in meetings for United Sexualities, the Vagina Monologues, Take Back the Nights, Coming out Vigils, and decent attempts at a spirituality group. My first time in attendance for a chapel service was the first year service my first year here. I came because Tyler Secor asked me to light his candle... so I lit it. I immediately sat back down as I felt my true lack of comfort sink in. After that service three years ago, an angel named Sonia talked to me and brought me back down to a level of comfort. I was hugged and told that it was good to have me there.

That meant the world to this queer formerly Brethren girl. However, it took me until this year to attend another chapel service.

You see, organized religion and I never really found a common ground. Yes, I grew up in the Church of the Brethren. And you weren't mistaken if you remember me mentioning earlier that I was even baptized. At one point in my life, I knew and could recite every book in the Bible. I know the Lord's Prayer and the Doxology by heart. But that is the extent of my connection to religion. And, opposed to what many think happens inthe path of a queer formerly Brethren kid, I left the church before I ever even questioned my sexuality.

Manchester College first met me as a fairly quiet, long-haired, straight peace studies major who showered every single day. I am SO thankful those things have changed. Now, I am even able to attend chapel services because of my deep connections. It is only here, week after week, that I have two beyond eager women waiting to sit with me and be in my presence. They are a true testament to the thought that "wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world."

Tatiana de la Tierra once made a simple statement... a statement which guided me as I prepared for today's service. She said, "Part of my own path in the land of Otherness is to meet other Others." I have been blessed with the connections I have made while in this place... for I have truly found my Others. At times my college experience has been flat out terrifying. But it was my Others who could always bring me back to a safe, even happy place. My hope for each of you is that even if you find yourself traveling in the land of Otherness (and believe me, you will) that you are able to find other Others and make some deep, long-lasting connections. For without these connections and these beautifully outstanding people, I truly would be lost in this world.

you don't know -- 2005, maybe

2008-08-20T09:36:00.002-04:00

>when this was written, i was working with some intense anger issues, as can be noted in the language used. i'm in a better place now. still angry, just in a better place.

I know so much more than you will ever know. (You don't know shit about me)
You don't know how I feel while I lie in bed alone.
You don't know that I pour a cup of coffee in the morning and let it sit until it is completely cold, only to get mad and heat it up again.
You don't know the feeling I get when making dinner for eleven people when I never cook for myself.
You don't know that I grow my fingernails just to scratch at my scalp when I haven't showered.
You don't know that when I drink alcohol, I first feel it in my ass.
You don't know the emotions I am filled with when I step out of the door to come home from work.
You don't know how much I like the feeling of that green shit you put flowers into.
You don't know how completely drained I get when a client screams at me.
You don't know how often I close the med room door so I can cry.
You don't know that I eat peanut butter at work to stop myself from cussing.
You don't know how fucking awful I am at talking someone out of suicide.
You don't know how much of myself I see in the ladies at work.
You don't know how many times I spin my rings around every day.
You don't know how much I like Meg from the White Stripes.
You don't know how many times I have nearly vomitted at work.
You don't know the beauty I see in obsession.
You don't know how the past has changed me.
You don't know how useless I feel after having a med error.
You don't know how often I think about my mistakes.
You don't know the utter glory I feel when I see the effects of teaching someone a life-skill.
You don't know how loud I can scream.
You don't know how long I will sit in front of a phone before calling someone who isn't expecting it.
You don't know how still I sit while watching challenge shows on mtv.
You don't know the extent to which I am uncomfortable about watermelon with seeds.
You don't know how much of me dies when I have been shut out.
You don't know how much I wish I hated my thighs so I could gain pity.
You don't know how much I want to sit in the audience at the Oscar's or Emmy's.
You don't know how much I love the taste of a perfectly ripe plum.
You don't know the intensity with which I live for work.
You don't know how terrified I am of aggressive women.
You don't know how much I could learn from you.
You don't know my passion.
You don't know that despite my self-love, I still feel I would need to lose weight for someone to truly fall in love with me.
You don't know how much I crave my loved ones to spend time making me presents.
You don't know what it does to me when you don't hug me.
You don't know how my body still reacts to my mistakes.
You don't know that I can make a killer meatloaf, and I myself will never eat it.
You don't know how much I want to dance.
You don't know my motivation for nudity.
You don't know who I think about just before I fall asleep.
You don't know how it tears me apart that the one person I want to comment on photos never does.
You don't know what happens to my soul when I talk to my crush.
You don't know the happiness I get from making lists.
Don't pretend to know.

writings

2008-08-20T09:33:00.002-04:00

i'm going to start keeping better track of things i write, because sometimes i really like them. so in honor of the pieces i actually like, or dare i say love, i'm going to start typing some into this here bloggerizer. i'll try to remember to make note of when each piece was written, as you can certainly tell a difference in my writing by where i was in my life at that point in time.

my main thought at this moment in time: menstruation is surprising.

trampolines and feminists

2008-08-18T21:49:00.003-04:00

there are young girls on my television jumping on trampolines. they appear to be competing for medals in some sort of event of olympic proportions. what the hell is going on? from far away, it looks like a beautiful, fun, energetic, somewhat hot thing. from up close, i realize it's stunted girls, competition, forced joy. i don't understand the world.

in other news, i started commenting and working on some contributions for thefeministreview listed in the blog section of my sidebar. hopefully we'll be able to knock some sense into the church of the brethren.

as my cramps get worse and worse every month, i wonder if they'd be better if i were a stunted girl jumping on a trampoline. at least i'd be on television...

movies

2008-07-26T17:43:00.002-04:00

movies i don't own (or not on dvd), but really should:

set it off -- the movie that made me gangsta. also the first movie i remember crying during.
the long kiss goodnight -- because it's one of my top 5 movies of all time. and i have it memorized.
dogma -- one of my favorite roles matt damon plays.
good will hunting -- one of my favorite 3 movies.
into the wild -- the guy's dreamy. so is eddie vedder.
a time to kill -- my favorite movie.
best in show -- pretty damn funny.
a mighty wind -- nearly as funny, and equally touching.
all the bourne movies -- so so good.
lars and the real girl -- i've only seen it once, but i really liked it.
beautiful girls -- in my top 10.
seven -- two of my favorite actors.
12 monkeys -- brad pitt's best role ever.
clueless -- a classic.
fried green tomatoes -- the vhs is almost worn out.

i also need more with the following people:

kate winslet
samuel l jackson
angelina jolie
ashley judd
geena davis
brad pitt
heath ledger
janeane garofalo

little bits of happiness

2008-07-18T23:02:00.005-04:00

i admit i've been in a pretty low point lately. ...so i've been trying to focus more and more on the little things that make me happy. now to share:

chelsie and mark... i really miss them dancing together.
writing letters to jamie:
coffee.

so maybe there aren't that many things after all. i take lots of naps and watch lots of television.

a bit of real life from frasier

2008-07-03T22:37:00.001-04:00

daphne: feeling a bit lonely, are we?
niles: only sometimes when i'm by myself, or other times when i'm with people.

look out, travis and donyelle

2008-06-27T22:20:00.002-04:00

I swore it would never come down to this... that new dancers could possibly take over the top spot in my mind. I really thought that would be safe for Travis and Donyelle. But really, nothing is safe anymore. Now I know. Chelsie and Mark... let's see how the season goes, but so far, it's looking pretty damn good for the two of you to take the lead from Travis and Donyelle. Maybe. I'm not going to make any rash decisions yet.

it just makes sense

2008-06-20T10:26:00.000-04:00

sign it, please.

(the video made me cry)

good news / bad news

2008-06-18T20:28:00.010-04:00

the good news is that i love this season of so you think you can dance.
the bad news is that i love this season of so you think you can dance.

it's only the second week of the actual show, so it's a little too early for me to pick absolute favorites, but i went ahead and did it anyway:

chelsie. will. mark. comfort.

wedding invites

2008-06-10T22:41:00.002-04:00

which one should go on our wedding invites?

missing some good people

2008-06-10T20:56:00.002-04:00

I have really been missing Goshen lately... sad, but true. Somehow, that one year of my life really stuck with me. Maybe it was Beth and Marcos and the LOVELY parting gift they gave me. Maybe it was my apartment. Maybe it was Missy. It was probably Missy.

...and somehow, there is always someone else in the pictures I have of the two of us. But I miss Elise, too!

this post is not about jason castro

2008-05-31T00:41:00.000-04:00

see, jamie? i knew i could do it.

happy.

2008-05-28T09:27:00.004-04:00

reminds me of...

summary of idol

2008-05-22T16:17:00.038-04:00

Since Idol was a large part of my life for the past few months, I think a post summarizing my thoughts on the season is in order. The following thoughts are in order of perfection. Get ready, Ace Young fans... my heart has shifted.

Jason Castro. Forget saving the best for last... I am starting right here, baby. I think Jamie will be surprised to read that my heart has shifted from my Ace Young days. Granted, nothing will ever beat his performance of "Father Figure" a couple years ago... fucking impossible. But dear sweet Jason 'I'm just so high I might hug you forever' Castro has fought for this lesbian's heart and won. Each and every week Jason brought an endless supply of smiles to my face and heart... if only he had performed all of the album 'Grace.' It could have been one song after another, week after week. I mean shit... Lilac Wine would have blown me the fuck away. Mmm.... Thank you, Jason 'the pot fried all the ugly out' Castro, for being so sublimely goofy, with such a distinct voice, that I could finally move past my love for Ace.

Carly Smithson.
I pretty much adore Carly. My favorite female singer all season, she is flat out stunning. How the hell she got voted off when she did, I will never understand. Her performance of 'Come Together' was quite possibly the hottest performance ever on Idol... there's really no doubt in my mind. The high, powerful notes her voice would hit neared on chilling... and hot at the same time. Way to go, Ireland, way to go.

David Cook.
He can really fucking sing... more than anyone (along with Carly) has ever been able to on Idol before. As far as the crying is concerned... when Archuleta would cry, I wanted to cause him physical pain. But when David Cook cries... well, it's just beautiful. The power and control of his voice and carefully placed grin made each song into an actual performance. All that and I don't even miss the mohawk...

Amanda Overmyer.
I don't think that Amanda should have won the competition... but leaving before the top 10?! What the hell is that shit?!! Granted, sometimes it was difficult to understand the words she was singing, but I'd rather listen to Amanda mumbling than Kristy Lee Cook singing any day. Not to mention that Amanda is fucking beautiful... Favorite performance? Hate Myself for Loving You. Perfect... and she could dance!

Now that I've written about the four contestants I liked in the season, I'm going to call it quits. Thank you, Idol '08. Now on to So You Think You Can Dance! ...we'll just see if someone can beat the purely beautiful genius of Travis and Donyelle two years ago:

Borders

2008-05-21T19:17:00.002-04:00

This afternoon, the Borders staff was moving in slow motion.

I also learned that mothers want chocolate and fathers want to watch Indiana Jones.

Now I know.

jaggie mong

2008-05-20T19:49:00.003-04:00

The birth of what might become the best blog ever, still without a final name, has reached us. My friend Jamie and I will be moving in together this fall, and the jaggie mong blog will be used to capture every perfect moment of our living arrangements. Expect videos, pictures, and lots of lists:

http://jaggiemong.blogspot.com/

photo follow up

2008-05-20T19:46:00.003-04:00

I still can't figure it out, but here's the proof.

jason castro

2008-05-20T10:30:00.003-04:00

I am starting to become a believer. It's finally happening... the stars are aligning, everything is making sense, and it's happy. And confusing!

Perhaps I should clarify: yesterday afternoon I received 6 Jason Castro buttons in the mail. I love Jason Castro! But I did not order these buttons. So my immediate thought was to ask my sister, mother, and a few friends if they had them sent to me. No! No one claims to have sent them. I will continue asking around, but the only explanation I can think of is that Jason himself sent them. He must have heard how much I liked him and want to touch his dreadlocks and sway back and forth as he sings Jeff Buckley and Sublime to me. We will twirl around in a field full of dandelions.... magic.

Don't worry... there will be more explanations, descriptions, hopes, and dreams shared. But for now... such a mystery!

it's been a while...

2008-05-19T21:52:00.003-04:00

With Gilmore Girls, talking to Jamie, sit-ups, and an occasional walk outside, my life in Minnesota is... oh so full. Or at least every now and again there are stretches of a few days that seem to actually go by quickly.

Minnesota:

transitions and loose ends

2007-09-12T11:52:00.001-04:00

i'm starting to actually realize that in 10 days, i will no longer work at the brew. in 16 days, i will no longer live in indiana. in 19 days, i will be starting my new job in minneapolis. i've been realizing rather quickly that in these last 16 days, i need to do whatever it is that makes me feel truly at peace with moving away. so i'm writing letters to friends with whom i've never really shared everything. i'm planning discussions to replace past hurt with new bridges. i'm trying. trying to form new relationships at the last minute and build up the strength of relationships from the past. it just feels like too much to do; especially when mixed in with random craft projects i have to finish for people before i leave.

i realized recently just how many people have helped me become this gloriously perfect person i am today. although i have spent my past year or so in goshen, and met some amazing people (some of whom i even love dearly), it is my time at manchester i keep the closest to me. i've heard people talk about their time at college, and i cry a little on the inside when the memories aren't perfection. the people i met at manchester... the ones who made it all worth it... i don't fully know how to explain what they mean to me. it is with them i found myself. it was in that place which sometimes challenged me beyond belief on physical, educational, and emotional levels where maggie became maggie. it could have happened anywhere, but not with that kind of help. it was no doubt a battle, but the memories make it all worth it. i've said that phrase too many times. maybe just twice. but now, when people ask me why i'm still so connected to that place, i wish i could sit them down and explain the experiences i had... describe the people i met... share those memories.

in my next 16 days, i hope to see as many people from my time at manchester a possible. this weekend i'm heading there for a birthday party, and next weekend again for my own birthday. i hope to take lots of pictures and just soak it all in. i know that in my work this next year, i may be able to visit manchester at least once. it will certainly feel different.

tattoo time

2007-09-12T11:49:00.001-04:00

photo blog from recent past

2007-09-12T11:16:00.000-04:00

aww heterosexual love

"i am a sensitive man!"

exciting.

2007-09-09T23:07:00.000-04:00

i'm aware these two events don't quite match... different person, different lyrics. but it was a good weekend just the same.

weekend plans

2007-08-30T22:42:00.001-04:00

since it's finally almost friday again, i find myself heading to north manchester (yes, for the second weekend in a row) after work. a shift of 9-3 followed by a drive to nomanch and a long weekend with friends = glorious. hopefully i will take quite a few photos. i just spelled "few" like this: phew. in my head, that is.

the best. ever.

2007-08-25T20:48:00.000-04:00

"God bless america and her gays"

2007-08-22T15:33:00.000-04:00

'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

moments

2007-08-20T18:21:00.001-04:00

i posted this list elsewhere a while back, but i wanted to keep it here so i can make additions in the future.

Moments which have taken my breath away:

I was standing outside after the funeral ceremony for Jill's mother, and I saw Jeff walking out to the door, but I didn't know what the hell to say to him. I stepped away from the group of friends I was with, and Jeff walked outside with open arms. I walked right up to him and we stood there wrapping our arms, minds, and tears around each other for what seemed like hours. I love that man.
Thea was staying over in Oakwood and I got out of bed because I could actually feel the moment my period began. I was glad Thea was there for that, and it was something I don't soon see myself forgetting.
I ate at Town Haus on Thanksgiving with Kris. I will never be able to forget the man's face at the next booth...or the horribly disgusting hacking noises he made throughout the entire time we were there. And then walking back out to the truck, I felt content.
Aaron and I ran to Garver 3rd floor one day when some guy wore his "God Hates Fags" shirt to the union. Multiple people burst into action to see how it could be taken care of, but the way Aaron and I dealt with it was throwing ourselves down on Jamie's floor and bawling our eyes out as we hugged and Jamie looked at us more sorry she had to leave than I've ever seen someone look.
5 women. After the MC Vagina Monologues my last time around. We each did a shot and dropped our towels. Touching, paint, pure joy. I keep it with me always.
Allie and I were on our way to Toronto in my car. The heater was broken. We were fucking cold and eating pretzels dipped in frosting. We realized the frosting was horribly old. We realized "beef fat" was one of the ingredients. We ate rancid beef fat. And it was gloriously funny.
I drove to Philly for a weekend, and didn't arrive until like 3 in the morning or something crazy. I was beyond tired. But Z opened the door and we stood there hugging and it was just perfect.
Carrie and me... the entire summer of 2003 which we both spent bored off our asses in Elkhart... Felicity, bagel bites made on the rotating pizza pan dealie, hanging out with her mom, snuggling under a blanket on the basement couch. I felt truly comfortable with myself during that summer, and I owe it to her.
I was sitting at my desk on GW3 my junior year, talking with Jamie online from down the hall. After two fairly similar emotional breakdowns, some cheesecake, highlighters, and mutual friends, we felt much better.
Sitting on the mall at MC with Z's head on my lap, Kris resting on Z. I feel strangely lucky to have had that experience.
Just less than two weeks ago, all dressed up and walking down the aisle before anyone else... trying not to look at Matt, but seeing that sweet sincere happiness in his eyes.

There are plenty more, I'm sure, but that's my list as of now. Sigh.

sunday

2007-08-19T18:06:00.000-04:00

well, i've been slacking on my so you think you can dance recap of the season and the finale. the truth is, it's the first time in any reality battle-ish show that someone i've wanted to win from the beginning of the season actually wins. this season, i wanted sara or sabra to win. during the finale episodes of this season of sytycd, however, i found myself really liking danny. i wanted to feel like sabra shared his passion for dance. but then again, if he weren't travis wall's brother, i wonder if i'd like him as much. as far as sara is concerned, i noticed how many of the judges/choreographers chose pieces she was in for their favorite moment of the season. hmmmm maybe she should have gone farther? gah. my apologies go out to heather, who i think i texted at least once during each commerical break of the final dancing episode wednesday night.

today i told my best friend from high school that i'm moving to minneapolis. that wasn't happy or fun. and every day i find myself getting more and more nervous about the move and life up there, as well as growing farther and farther apart from friends here. hopefully my married couple friends and i will start game night soon.

and now it's not even 7pm yet and i'm feeling ready to turn in for the night. no good.

reality tv showdown

2007-08-13T21:35:00.001-04:00

so you think you can dance. do you? i do not. i do, however, think that sabra can dance. and it's heavenly. and, although neil is sure as hell no travis wall from last year, i'm starting to like him a little more. or, i'm accepting him as a dancer and a human being finally. danny, on the other hand, dances with sabra in my dreams. i find myself craving the two of them joining together. some day, perhaps. but really, if sabra doesn't win, i'll threaten to never watch again like i did last year when donyelle/travis didn't win. so here's hoping there's a kickass final show later this week. and of course i'm working thursday night. watching that tape back will just be lovely for the super patient maggie. now on to videos... favorite solo performances. nothing this season even compares to donyelle and travis last season:

and about hell's kitchen: yay rock! that is all.

...edited after a video was deleted.

my dad

2007-08-12T16:40:00.000-04:00

kumquat concert

2007-08-12T13:55:00.001-04:00

whirlwind day

2007-08-11T17:28:00.000-04:00

moving out was a blur... with 3 friends and my parents helping, it took less than an hour to get all of my belongings out of my apartment and into the moving van. two more friends showed up to try and help right when we were finishing up, too. i wonder if i will be able to find that sense of pure giving of oneself in minneapolis.

cris and katie's wedding today was gorgeously sweltering. whenever i'm around people from the first couple years of my time at manchester, i become strangely nostalgic. it feels like so long ago... far longer ago than the last two years of college. it made me realize that the bonds i've formed in my short 23 years here in indiana will truly stay with me forever. or so i hope. and when i think through all the people from manchester with whom i have stayed in touch (in one form or another), i realize how connected i will always be to that place. whether or not those people really know the inner me, it feels like they do. and sometimes that sense of home provides me with such comfort i know i can make it through anything.

now is a time that i would read through my sociology portfolio and reminisce about my time at manchester. ...if only i knew where that thing was in the massive pile of my belongings the garage has become.

after my last class ever at manchester:

local music

2007-08-10T22:12:00.001-04:00

as if there weren't enough reasons to miss this home i've created for myself...

it's true

2007-08-10T14:09:00.000-04:00

the stress of moving twice in the upcoming all too near future has finally reached me, and i find myself blogging. i've used other methods of online typed release in the past, but this is the first to calm the caffeine-filled pit in my soul. the next couple months are filled with huge amounts of transition for me (quitting one job, starting another, moving twice), so i anticipate many annoyingly frantic blogs.