today (and always) i miss him.

tattoo fixing.

old v. new

i have scarred, learned from my mistakes, and finally love one of my favorite tattoos again.

rant!

i left work early today so i could curl up on my bed with cramps. i went out to my car, started it, got half a block down to the corner. i saw two beautiful golden-colored dogs running around the intersection, so i started yelling (my windows were down) because that's all i could think to do. a car drove through the intersection rather quickly, and from what i can figure out, one of the dogs hit his(her?) head against the car as it drove by. i put on my blinkers, got into park, and got out of my car. i tried so hard to get the dogs to come to me so i could look at their tags and call the owners (they were really friendly dogs, with good tags on their collars), but they wouldn't hold still long enough for me to see a number. the one that got hurt had a bloody nose, but was running around fine with the other. i walked from door to door ringing doorbells and knocking, and nobody came to the door. my hands were bloody from the dog, and i was walking around with the dogs following me. something spooked them, and they ran off. i drove a bit farther, after wiping my hands off in the grass, and couldn't find them again when i got out. total, i stopped three times, each time the dogs thought i was playing with them when i tried to get them to settle down. i just wanted to scream at that car for going through the intersection so quickly, injuring a dog, and not stopping.

i tend to really beat myself up over things like this... not able to forget them for days. so, i'm trying to remind myself that the dog couldn't have been that badly injured if it was able to run around just fine... so that's good. i just hope nothing else happens to them, and they get home safely. and people slow the fuck down. what the hell.

questions

1. When someone says "brb," how much time does that really allot them?
(It was suggested to me that a better idea may be IBLFAIAOT, I'll be leaving for an indefinite amount of time)
2. Is there anyone more charming and frustrating on television than Steve Carrell?
3. Autumn is the best season. Is it not? Shut up.
4. With what would you like your ideal gift basket to be filled?
5. What color earrings should I make for you?
6. Which character currently on a television show are you the most like?
7. What should I do with my last few weeks in Minnesota?

mp3 madness

A week or so ago, I realized that the little mp3 icon on the cd player in my car really meant something. This something is greatly welcomed in my life, and I don't really know how I didn't do something about it earlier. I found the program on my computer that will allow me to burn mp3s to disc, and I made a disc with all the soundbites from the Office Jamie has sent me. There are 175 of them. It's a pretty amazing disc. I also made what I shall refer to as a hella-amazing creation. I went through the folders of music on my computer and chose a couple songs I like from the good ones. Doesn't work with purchased music, though, so no Jason Castro for this mix. :(

The contents of said hella-amazing creation (all 191 songs):

33 Zen Lane – Bitch and Animal
About Nothin’ – The Murmurs
Across the Universe – The Beatles
Adam & Eve – Ani DiFranco
After the Gold Rush – Natalie Merchant
Airport Song – Guster
All That I Need – Blind Melon
American Girl – Tom Petty
Another Lonely Day – Ben Harper
As Cool As I Am – Dar Williams
Because The Night – 10,000 Maniacs
Best Cock on the Block – Bitch and Animal
Betty Ford – Bitch and Animal
Black – Pearl Jam
Born to Hum – Erin McKeown
Breakdown – Jack Johnson
Candy Says – Blind Melon
Cannonball – Brandi Carlile, Indigo Girls
Center of Attention – Guster
Changed – Blind Melon
Closer to You – Brandi Carlile
Country Song – The Murmurs
Crazy Baby – Joan Osborne
Creepin’ In – Norah Jones, Dolly Parton
Cynical – Chris Pureka
Daylight Fading – Counting Crows
Dear Mr. President – Pink
Demons – Guster
Do You Love Me Now – The Breeders
Do You Remember – Jack Johnson
Don’t Have a Cow Man – Kevin Jay Schatz
Don’t Leave Me Here Tonight – Goldmine Pickers
Dreams Be Dreams – Jack Johnson
Drivin’ On 9 – The Breeders
Easy’s Getting’ Harder Every Day – Iris DeMent
Either Way – Guster
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town – Pearl Jam
Elephant Shoes – Mutual Kumquat
Everybody Hurts – REM
Fallin – Alicia Keys
Far Behind – Candlebox
February – Dar Williams
Feminist Housewives – Bitch and Animal
Fidelity – Regina Spektor
Fixing a Hole – The Beatles
Fixing Her Hair – Ani DiFranco
Follow – Brandi Carlile
Freedom – Ellis
Fuckin’ Up – Pearl Jam
Galileo – Indigo Girls
God of Wine – Third Eye Blind
Gone – Brandi Carlile
Grand Exit – Ellis
Greed – Goldmine Pickers
Grown Up Christmas List – Amy Grant
Guaranteed – Eddie Vedder
Hag – The Breeders
Hallelujah – Jeff Buckley
Hard to Handle – Black Crowes
Help! – The Beatles
Hey There Fancypants! – Ween
Hitchin’ a Ride – Green Day
Holyman – Blind Melon
How Many Miles Must We March – Ben Harper
Human Behavior – Bjork
I Can’t Get Next to You – The Temptations
I Have Seen the Rain – Pink
I Know – Fiona Apple
I May Know the Word – Natalie Merchant
I Will Survive – Cake
I’d Like To – Corinne Bailey Rae
If It Isn’t Her – Ani DiFranco
In My Own Eyes – Brandi Carlile
It’s All Understood – Jack Johnson
It’s Been Awhile – Staind
James! – Erin McKeown
Jesus Doesn’t Want Me for a Sunbeam – Nirvana
Jesus on the Radio – Guster
Knock Me Down – Red Hot Chili Peppers
La Vie Boheme – the cast of Rent
Lesbian Lover – Mutual Kumquat
Let It Be Me – Indigo Girls
Let the Mystery Be – Iris DeMent
Letter to a John – Ani DiFranco
Letters From a Porcupine – Shannon Hoon
Life Ain’t so Shitty – Blind Melon
Life Support – the cast of Rent
Lilac Wine – Jeff Buckley
Lithium – Nirvana
Lonesome Gone – Goldmine Pickers
Long May You Run – Neil Young
Look at Miss Ohio – Gillian Welch
Lover, You Should Have Come Over – Jeff Buckley
Make Them Apologize – Ani DiFranco
Mama’s Got a Girlfriend Now – Ben Harper
Man on the Moon – REM
Me and Bobby McGee – Janis Joplin
Monkey Wrench – Foo Fighters
Mother Mother – Tracy Bonham
Mother Nature’s Son – The Beatles
Motorcycle Drive By – Third Eye Blind
Mouthful of Cavities – Blind Melon
Mud – Goldmine Pickers
My Dear Country – Norah Jones
My Friends – Red Hot Chili Peppers
My Life – Iris DeMent
My Number – Tegan and Sarah
Napoleon – Ani DiFranco
Navy Bean – Tracy Bonham
New Life – Blind Melon
No – Shakira
No More (Live) – Eddie Vedder
No Rain – Blind Melon
Not Ready to Make Nice – Dixie Chicks
Nothin’ New – Ellis
Nothing Else Matters – Metallica
Nugget – Cake
O Child – Trent Wagler
Old Man – Neil Young
Once – Pearl Jam
Hey Ya! – Outkast
Pagan Poetry – Bjork
Paper Bag – Fiona Apple
Pea – Red Hot Chili Peppers
Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps – Cake
Picture of Jesus – Ben Harper
Played Like a Pawn – The Story of Ourselves
Please Please Please – Fiona Apple
Porch – Pearl Jam
Porch Songs – Chris Pureka
Redundant – Green Day
River – Natalie Merchant
Rocket – Smashing Pumpkins
Rocketship – Guster
Romeo and Juliet – Indigo Girls
Sad Songs and Waltzes – Cake
Santeria – Sublime
Say Hello 2 Heaven – Temple of the Dog
Seed to a Tree – Blind Melon
Semi-Charmed Life – Third Eye Blind
Seven Years – Natalie Merchant
Seven Years – Norah Jones
Sexy Back – Justin Timberlake
Shame on You – Indigo Girls
She Talks to Angels – Black Crowes
Sleepless Commotion – The Murmurs
Sleepyhouse – Blind Melon
Slip Slidin’ Away – Simon and Garfunkel
Snow Day – Lisa Loeb
Soup – Blind Melon
Stardog Champion – Mother Love Bone
Stupid Girls – Pink
Summer Camp Slut – Kevin Jay Schatz
Sweet is the Melody – Iris DeMent
Talk to Me Now – Ani DiFranco
Tell it to the Sky – Tracy Bonham
That Time – Regina Spektor
The Christians and the Pagans – Dar Williams
The Horizon Has Been Defeated – Jack Johnson
The Letter – Natalie Merchant
The Living – Natalie Merchant
The Other Side – Melissa Ferrick
The Story – Brandi Carlile
There You Go – Pink
This Time – Tracy Chapman
Three Little Birds – Bob Marley
Tigers Above, Tigers Below – Ellis
Today – Smashing Pumpkins
Tomorrow – Silverchair
Tones of Home – Blind Melon
Tragedy (Austin Cello Version) – Brandi Carlile
Tremor Christ – Pearl Jam
Two Points for Honesty – Guster
Underdog – The Murmurs
Untitled – Mutual Kumquat
Waiting for Wednesday – Lisa Loeb
Walk – Blind Melon
Walk On By – Cake
Warning – Incubus
Wasted – Brandi Carlile
What’s the Frequency, Kenneth? – REM
What’s the Matter – Doria Roberts
When I Was a Boy – Dar Williams
When They Ring the Golden Bells – Natalie Merchant
Will I – the cast of Rent
Wishlist – Pearl Jam
Wrong Way – Sublime
WTC – Bitch and Animal
Yellow Ledbetter – Pearl Jam
You Part the Waters – Cake
You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go – Bob Dylan

minnesota state fair

i really had no idea what i was getting into when i made plans to go to the minnesota state fair all day and evening yesterday. i was not aware i would watch a cat get spayed. i was not aware i would watch the afterbirth fall out of a lamb after she gave birth to two new little ones. i was not aware of how many people would crowd around the dfl booth, leaving the republicans with a handful of people. most of all, i was not aware of how completely blown away i would be by brandi carlile's performance.

in my life, i've been to a few concerts i would classify as pretty damn amazing. last night, however, brandi topped them all (with the exception of goldmine pickers, which will never be outshined). i knew i liked her music. i knew i loved her voice. i knew she had the perfect cds to listen to as i drive and sing/scream along. now i know how completely amazing it is to see her live. so i beg you... look at her touring schedule from time to time and see if she'll be in your area. believe me, brandi and her band put on a tremendous show. it's not just the voice, but her guitar playing, enthusiasm, energy, spirit, laughter, movement, and style. just trust me. go to a show.

i also made the following ranking of recordings of the song "hallelujah" : jeff buckley, brandi carlile, jason castro, rufus wainwright. i doubt anyone will ever beat jeff buckley in my mind, but brandi did a pretty amazing job with the song live.

a few of the 200+ pictures i took at the fair:

moments

time for a quick journey through some images of me... pictures that i think are pretty good descriptions of me.

Coming Out Vigil -- October, 2005

Every year of college I read something at the Coming Out Vigil. My senior year, one of my best friends, Allie, and I read something together. We told the story of our journey as roommates, friends, and becoming each other's families. The part of "other" was read by another good friend, Erin. For the right/center/left portion, I read the right column, Erin read "Tonight I come out as," Allie and I read the other center items together, and Allie read the left column.

Other: July 22, 2003
Me: Mom, she likes Norah Jones!
Allie: Mom, she likes to sleep naked, too!
Me: Mom, she's BRETHREN!!
Allie: Mom, she's the secretary of United Sexualities!
Other: Maybe she is a lesbian...
Allie: Oh...
Me: Mom, what if she hates gay people?...
----------------
Me: That night, I came out to her.
Allie: I came out as hating president bush.
Me: I came out as liking to sleep naked.
Allie: I came out as brethren.
Me: I came out as a lesbian.
Allie: I came out as an ally.
----------------
Me: Tonight, we come out, in front of all of you, yet again.

Tonight I come out as

Being open to possibilities

Tonight I come out as

A lesbian

Tonight I come out as

Being comfortable with finding women attractive

Tonight I come out as

A democrat

Tonight I come out as

Preparing for heartbreak 2005

Tonight I come out as

Wanting children

Tonight I come out as

Having the babysitter's club movie nearly memorized

Tonight I come out as

Having 7... or 8... tattoos

Tonight I come out as

Usually being naked

Tonight I come out as

Liking lima beans

Tonight I come out as

Craving yogurt and granola

Tonight I come out as

Confused

Tonight I come out as

Simply loving the movie Dirty Dancing

Tonight I come out as

Moving on from my past

Tonight I come out as

Liking country music... and knowing most of the words to quite a few songs

Tonight I come out as

Often sitting in my underwear, eating Chinese food

Tonight I come out as

Pierced

Tonight I come out as

Liking Usher. No... loving Usher.

Tonight I come out as

Liking gay people. No... loving gay people.

Tonight I come out as

a feminist

Tonight I come out as

Being proud of my orange hair, even if it makes me a target of hate.

Tonight I come out as

Loving our Canadians AND their gay bars

Tonight I come out as

A goddess worshipping pagan

Tonight I come out as

Having a weakness for waitresses

Tonight I come out as

Despising wal-mart, yet still going there once... or twice... a month

Tonight I come out as

Liberal

Tonight I come out as

Craving friendship and acceptance

----------------

Allie: Tonight, we chose to come out together.

Me: We come out as comfortable in our own skins. No matter the form, sexuality, or sexual orientation.

Allie: We come out as different... yet very much the same.

Me: We come out as the same... yet very different.

Both: And in a world where labels didn't matter... we could come out as exactly the same.

random journal thoughts -- 2002 through 2007

I don't think I'd care to be here
I would go somewhere
do something
so I didn't have to talk to me
listen to me
nod along with me
I'm just sitting here nodding along.

I try to feel beautiful,
to understand what others see,
to appreciate curves, dimples, skin,
to never underestimate me.
But, I try and I try and all I see is me...
my beauty.

"you have a brush. you have your color. paint paradise. then go in..." -kazantzakis

sometimes i wonder
when i'll allow
closeness to be
enough.

My life passes me by
I notice small things...
A smile
And time escapes the setting
The same old type of
Feeling different this time
Uneasy
I fear I will stumble.

Senior Chapel -- May, 2006

"If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person." - Fred Rogers

When I am reminded that I am supposed to leave this place a week and a half from now, my body tends to cringe with a feeling of terror. How can I leave a place that has witnessed my bud to blossom journey? When I am told to really listen to my life, however, I find different emotions. What is my life telling me? ... That I have survived so much already, it seems impossible something could bring me down. But above all else, I have learned from my life in this place that people make my world.

A wise woman once said, "A good friend is a connection to a life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world." When I first came across this quote, it hit me: the people around me are not only my friends and family, but my link to a spiritual world ... a world where I find the most beautiful of beautiful thoughts. The holy, for me, is right there in the meeting of another person I allow to enter into my circle. So my life has been this miraculous series of moments... moments in which I draw a great deal of spirituality from those around me. These connections breathe life into me.

At Manchester I learned that I can make as many connections as possible and find the deep beauty in that. I find the holy in the connections I have made with people. I find it in going skinny dipping with friends in the very lake in which I was baptized about eight years earlier. I find it in grabbing three of my friends and dancing in a circle before chapel. I find it in new friendships tragically formed right as I prepare to leave this place. I even find it in this building.

This building has seen me make an endless number of connections, including time in meetings for United Sexualities, the Vagina Monologues, Take Back the Nights, Coming out Vigils, and decent attempts at a spirituality group. My first time in attendance for a chapel service was the first year service my first year here. I came because Tyler Secor asked me to light his candle... so I lit it. I immediately sat back down as I felt my true lack of comfort sink in. After that service three years ago, an angel named Sonia talked to me and brought me back down to a level of comfort. I was hugged and told that it was good to have me there.

That meant the world to this queer formerly Brethren girl. However, it took me until this year to attend another chapel service.

You see, organized religion and I never really found a common ground. Yes, I grew up in the Church of the Brethren. And you weren't mistaken if you remember me mentioning earlier that I was even baptized. At one point in my life, I knew and could recite every book in the Bible. I know the Lord's Prayer and the Doxology by heart. But that is the extent of my connection to religion. And, opposed to what many think happens inthe path of a queer formerly Brethren kid, I left the church before I ever even questioned my sexuality.

Manchester College first met me as a fairly quiet, long-haired, straight peace studies major who showered every single day. I am SO thankful those things have changed. Now, I am even able to attend chapel services because of my deep connections. It is only here, week after week, that I have two beyond eager women waiting to sit with me and be in my presence. They are a true testament to the thought that "wherever you are, it is your friends who make your world."

Tatiana de la Tierra once made a simple statement... a statement which guided me as I prepared for today's service. She said, "Part of my own path in the land of Otherness is to meet other Others." I have been blessed with the connections I have made while in this place... for I have truly found my Others. At times my college experience has been flat out terrifying. But it was my Others who could always bring me back to a safe, even happy place. My hope for each of you is that even if you find yourself traveling in the land of Otherness (and believe me, you will) that you are able to find other Others and make some deep, long-lasting connections. For without these connections and these beautifully outstanding people, I truly would be lost in this world.