alive

a few months ago, i got the first disc of the series "Six Feet Under" from netflix.  the disc only had 3 episodes on it.  after watching 20 minutes of the very first episode, i ordered the entire series (5 seasons) on amazon.  as soon as it arrived a week later, i watched all 5 seasons within a month.  i did not, however, watch the final episode.  i wasn't ready for it to end.  i knew once i watched that episode, it was over... and it had so quickly become such an intense part of my life when i really needed it, that i needed it to keep living.

today at work i realized that i needed to just watch it.  i needed to watch the finale and just deal with however it made me feel.  just now, as soon as the final credits rolled, i sent jamie a message letting her know that i had finally watched it.  when she asked if it crushed my soul, i answered; "yes.  it also made me want to live.  like it made me feel like i'm not really living."

so i ask of you, few and far between blog readers, for advice on how to feel like i'm really living.

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also, jamie, i really hope you find your remote.