maybe six months ago, i started working out with a personal trainer. i had finally reached the point of wanting to try to do something to change my body. to lessen the space i take up in the world. we met twice a week, and worked on a variety of things including weight lifting, cardio, kickboxing, ab work, etc. i allowed myself to burst out crying as i kicked and punched as hard as i could. it was beginning to heal me in ways i never knew possible.
right when i started to actually enjoy working out, i got honest with my trainer (and by then, my friend) about how much my knees were really hurting me. i had to start wearing a brace on my right knee, and a wrap-type-thing on my left knee. i also started working out more... sometimes three times a week, other times skipping an entire week at a time due to scheduling issues/laziness. once i got into the studio each session, however, i enjoyed it. i often had to force myself to show up, but i knew the importance. even if i lost track of the importance on my emotional well-being, i could always feel the importance on my physical health. my body was so pleased with me!
i became unemployed, by choice, a month and a half ago. not going to get into that now. but, i could no longer afford to work out with my trainer. it was such a difficult realization, however, because my trainer was my friend. it was difficult to make that boundary, and still spend time with a friend... whenever i couldn't pay her to train me. i made it work, though, and have gone on the occasional bike ride/walk with her. but... never alone. i still have not been able to get to the point of forcing myself to work out on my own. i was spoiled with the start of my weight loss process including a studio and a trainer - when that ended (or was postponed), i faded fast. being unemployed, i spend far too much time sitting. i embroider, because it pleases my emotional/mental side. i get up to go to the bathroom or make a meal, and realize my right knee hurts. i did ask my doctor about it a couple months ago, and she told me that i need to walk differently. haven't figured out how to do that yet.
i know that i need to change. i've seen the impact that working out can have on my emotional and mental well-being. i've seen and felt what it's like to lose some weight. i am really very good at counting calories, balancing my food intake, and finding healthy options. right now, however, i can't afford the foods i know are good for me. surely there are cheap/healthy options out there somewhere...
my fears come into play with the knowledge that change needs to happen. i know exactly what i'm doing wrong. i'm eating foods that quickly make me feel happy. i'm smoking. i'm not sleeping decent hours. i'm not spending time to prepare meals, and snacking all day instead. i'm not exercising. i make excuses for each of these things to be acceptable. i realize that depression and anxiety are major factors for me, but shouldn't be excuses... just bridges i need to cross. i keep saying that once i get a job, everything will become easier. i doubt my willingness to change will pop up out of nowhere, however. comfort over change. it wins every time for me.
a main fear for me isn't failure, but success. the thought of losing the weight i want to lose, feeling better, and being a different person terrifies me. the idea that people all of a sudden seem to have this green light to compliment your appearance, and tell you how bad you looked before... well it disgusts me. i don't know what i'd do if i succeeded... but i do have goals, both short term and long term.
my hope is that if i hold myself accountable for bad decisions and choices that could seemingly easily be changed, that i will at least start to get back on track. it's possible the steps are going to be damn small, but they'll be there.
1 comment:
Hi, Maggie. Here I am - reading your blog for the first time - obviously I went back a few months. I'm totally with you on the exercising. I know I need to do it, but it's hard to do. I know there are key things I need to change, but.... I'm curious, did you go back to having a trainer once you got a job again? How's it going for you? Oh - and the part about people making comments. Today, for example, someone said "that's a very flattering shirt, Tina." I immediately thought to myself, "I guess she's telling me whatever I wear every other day makes me look dumpy." I know that's not what she meant, but still. It's a very tricky thing. I have no answers.
Just wanted to say hi. Hope you're doing well.
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