addictions

throughout my life, i have moved from one addiction to another.  i am an intelligent enough person to know that not all addictions are bad.  i am also intelligent enough to notice, however, that although not all addictions are bad, they are all harmful.  even the seemingly smallest of things to which i find myself addicted are at times utterly destructive.

i have never been a person who simply "likes" something.  i'm all in or all out.  go big or go home.  do it, and do it right.  one of my favorite lines from the show will and grace comes from karen walker.  with a look of confusion on her face, she stated, "...which is odd, because i don't have an addictive personality."  the humor comes when one knows karen's character on the show, who is addicted to any and everything.  she brings "party mix" to a party, which we later find out is "uppers, downers, and candy corns."  my addictions are not that... severe.  i don't even like candy corn.

i spend a lot of time fighting against my addictions.  the word itself has far too negative a connotation.  i'm not addicted to anything illegal, as far as i know...  but that doesn't make all my addictions safe.  as i write this, i am in the process of cutting one of my addictions out of my life.  and i realize that by doing this, it will only make me rely more upon the rest of them.  i sure hope the others are strong enough to give me the extra support i'm going to need.

new beginnings or something

well, as this is day two of my weight watchers adventure into self hatred discovery and health, i wanted to try to keep myself accountable by updating the good old bacon-inspired blog.  so here it is:  two days.  21 points over budget.  good goddamnit.  and i didn't even write everything down.

i guess i'll just keep with it - keep reminding myself of what i eat so i can one day do something about it.  for now, i'm going to try to be happy with the idea of change, without yet changing.  gah.

alive

a few months ago, i got the first disc of the series "Six Feet Under" from netflix.  the disc only had 3 episodes on it.  after watching 20 minutes of the very first episode, i ordered the entire series (5 seasons) on amazon.  as soon as it arrived a week later, i watched all 5 seasons within a month.  i did not, however, watch the final episode.  i wasn't ready for it to end.  i knew once i watched that episode, it was over... and it had so quickly become such an intense part of my life when i really needed it, that i needed it to keep living.

today at work i realized that i needed to just watch it.  i needed to watch the finale and just deal with however it made me feel.  just now, as soon as the final credits rolled, i sent jamie a message letting her know that i had finally watched it.  when she asked if it crushed my soul, i answered; "yes.  it also made me want to live.  like it made me feel like i'm not really living."

so i ask of you, few and far between blog readers, for advice on how to feel like i'm really living.

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also, jamie, i really hope you find your remote.

19

when i was 19, i got my first tattoo.  i'm 26, almost 27 now, and i just got my 19th tattoo.  it feels special, somehow.

six feet under

i think i've been watching too much Six Feet Under.  i know i have.  but i have reasons...

edit this, mothafucka

well... i spent far too long tonight trying to figure out how to get the title of my blog to shift over to the righthand side of the page.  it's driving me truly insane, as i feel i have tried every method i have found online.  so i'm going to bed, giving up, and will be driven nuts about it every damn time i look at this blog.

what a joy.

see?  it's easy to do in a blog post entry.  

reality television

jamie recently asked me to rank the reality shows i watch in order of how gay they are. here's what i came up with:

10. Next Food Network Star
9. Losing It with Jillian Michaels
8. The Biggest Loser
7. Hell’s Kitchen
6. The Amazing Race
5. American Idol
4. So You Think You Can Dance
3. HGTV Design Star
2. Project Runway

... and the gayest of them all:
1. America’s Next Top Model

julie and julia

just watched "julie and julia" with my friend missy. with about 4 minutes left in the movie, we both voiced the thought we had probably kept in for the entire movie - this just makes us feel like we've done just about nothing with the past year of our lives. where julie began and finished an intense, life-changing project, i quit my job - only to start back again two months later for the same organization. missy manages a bookstore with her husband, where in the past year, she has gone through many forced wage and hour changes.

maybe, in this upcoming year, i'll keep my job. maybe missy won't move twice. maybe we'll actually get around to watching "v for vendetta" together. maybe her voice will stop squeaking, similarly to meryl streep's portrayal of julia child. but hopefully, a year from now, missy will still laugh whenever she thinks of her favorite scene (where she claims meryl sounded like a turkey) from the movie.

home

i've been realizing more and more lately that i've been attempting to surround myself with things that remind me of places or times in my life where things felt... for lack of a better word... good. so far, the best, warmest feelings come from watching the movie "away we go." when i first saw it, i didn't know yet that i hated my job. i wasn't very happy where i was living. but something about that movie pushed through all that shit, and it hit me hard.

another round comes with the movie "rent." first saw it in seattle with my uncles, after having heard from friends in college that i must see it. had an amazing night with my best friend that we will remember forever when we tried to see it again. for a person who has usually admitted to hating musicals, this one hit home, and it hit hard. i'm watching it as i type this, and each and every time collins and angel sing together, run down the street, embrace, kiss, smile at or because of each other... well, i realize what i want out of life.

another thing that brings on these feelings is burning my vanilla cupcake candle every day, from the time i get home from work to the time i go to bed. i don't know why it works, but i'm just glad that it does. lastly, that first sip of coffee each morning... well, it always does the trick.

so... this happened

i recently found out that i once again am an employed part of society. while i am still celebrating this more than welcomed change in my life, part of me feels sad to lose jobless maggie. she washed and reused ziploc bags, something she's always mocked in others. she rationed out her toothpaste and shampoo. she forced herself to drink half cans of diet coke she found sitting around her apartment. she went to the bathroom in public more than usual, so as to use someone else's toilet paper instead of her own. she ate no fresh fruits or vegetables. she stopped driving long distances to visit friends. she sat and watched television, because it's included in her rent. she decorated with things she found around her apartment. she cried. a lot.

although some aspects of jobless maggie will carry over into this new phase of my life, i am more than glad to bid her goodbye.